Wednesday, September 28, 2005


that is from a metallica song called frantic. it reminds me of how i've been running about of late trying to accomplish so much, trying to do everything, and getting nothing done. nothing of substance that is.

the more i ask God, what do You want from me? the more i hear, wash the dishes, sweep the floors, set your house in order.

this baffles my mind. it is not the answer i want to hear. i've been trying to do that but often i get sidelined by the utter chaos of clutter. the drudgery of doing the same thing day in and day out. how many times does one need to clean a bathroom in a week? the answer it seems is more than i'd like. these are the pivotal questions of my faith right now. where the rubber is meeting the road and i am balding ready to blow.

purging time is upon me again and when i return from the mountaintop, i go knowing i am ill prepared (how can one prepare to encounter God?), i go knowing i have much to do when i return.

publishing contracts, payment for editing services, none of this matters to me. what does matter is that i start keeping my house clean, learn to cook (i'm all right but nothing fabulous and i certainly don't enjoy it), and truly nurture my family.

sometimes i am blind to the obvious and i believe myself to be in such a time. i've been locked away hidden in my home for so long that i don't want to be about that anymore. and with so many potential good things on the horizon (publishing, etc), i want those things with my whole heart. but not at the expense of my family. that cost is too dear and i cannot pay it.

but i hear the Lord saying, want what you have. that songline, you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you just might find, you get what you need comes to me as the very mandate of the Lord.

i have never wanted success, publishing at the expense of my family and now i stand at the very crossroads of that decision and must choose for my family again. how to do this is one dish at a time, one floor at a time, one meal at a time.

and then perhaps, in time, the Lord will release me from this obscurity. perhaps not.

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