pindropsilence

i was talking to a poet i just met, and i was describing my read,

you know how the room gets so quiet you can hear a pindrop and all eyes are locked on you?

what's it like,

she asked,

to read a poem?

it's powerful. like this great surge of energy is coursing through me. sometimes i cry because it is such an emotional experience. not the bawling tears of an overwraught woman, but the stream of tears from just so much power that some has to be let out. it didn't start out this way, that i could read for twenty minutes and be strong. i started years ago, one poem, one open mic once every couple months.

(it was a long drive, i was a flake, but i was also just gaining confidence).

how often do you go now?

to an open, at least once a month, i host once a month, and take in other things as i can.

tonight i have an open to attend. it will be packed to the gills with seasoned new jersey poets. they are a tough crowd. it is quite an accomplishment to hear

you're a powerful reader,

from these jaded newjerseyites.

much different than hearing it from your mom, shall we say.

but i find, that when i read, things get silent and still. the best way to describe it is the perfect moment of jean-luc pacard's sweetie in star trek nemesis i think it was. these are perfect moments.

the man at the grocery store, put his arm on my back (i ran over his foot with my cart last week, we always stop and talk to him, and i wondered what that bump was, and he said,

it's okay.

i said,

i'm so sorry, i wondered what that bump was!

this week, he smiled and said,

you're so kind.

thank you,

i said. and it is just because we stop and say hello to him when we walk in.)

yesterday, my girl even said,

mom, why are you in such a good mood today?

because i'm doing what i was created to do.

what does that feel like?

do you know how it feels when you're in art class?

yes.

that is how it feels.

i can't describe it. it didn't happen over night. but one poem led to another, led to another. that is how i ended up here. that is why i got so pissed off about missing the last intensive. it silenced me in ways i could not accept.

if you have a clue what your gifting is, even if you don't (listen to your heart, ask yourself, what do i WANT to do?), then do that thing. maybe not exclusively. let's be real. julia cameron suggests making ten teeny tiny changes. things you can do right now, today. my first list included, get a tan. all i had to do was go outside scantily clad. that was easy to accomplish but it made such a difference in my head. no one told me to stay indoors and get bleached out. i told myself i was too busy to go outside. so i bought a bikini top, slipped in to some shorts, and spent hours outside (i'm not much for eeking slowly into things).

that tan is gone, but the point is not. what ten teeny tiny things can you do, can i do today, to make me feel. to give me hope. to just satisfy some desire. going for a walk was another thing on my list. very doable (plus we were broke then, so i had to do all free stuff).

anyway, i'm not saying quit your day job and start making macrame, i'm saying, ask yourself, what do i want to do and what can i do right this second to move in that direction? don't let money be an issue. there is always something that can be done. the hard part is asking the question and taking time to listen for the answer.