i'm not angry, yes i am.

that is how the dialogue in my head goes. back and forth. i think i've finally zenned out and then someone does something in traffic and i'm a sailor again.

sigh.

such is life.

so, i just keep moving forward. unable to stave off the unwanted feelings, or as metallica calls them: the unnamed feeling. i just keep moving forward. looking at something unbecoming and saying, yes you're hideous, but there you are.

reading this book about christianity versus tribal religions. and whoa, what a mindblower that is. i hadn't thought about how absurd much of it looks from the outside (why i hadn't thought about it is probably the essential perspective of subjectivity one must possess to be a part of any group).

we're going to drink koolaid and aliens are going to pick us up, great idea!

no, not so much. but there you have it. cults are formed everyday with that whole thing in mind.

i've realized, i'm not wanting to be a part of any group. just peek in the doors of a few, but not walk in and sign up. never been much of a signer upper.

more of a let me forge my own way kind of gal.

and so i shall.

sometimes i think i understand the pattern of my life, that i see some strange design coming together, but i confess, i have no clue. it's a crazy quilt at best, my life. and i don't know that the one doing the sewing has any real idea what the outcome will be. any ultimate design.

i realized playing chess with a friend briefly that i move shit around to see what happens. i never really have a plan or strategy. i just do the next thing. very blind that way. perhaps it's the kind of life that would lead one out of a labyrinth because panic would never set in.

once in a house of mirrors, i felt a tad discombobulated, and then just looked down and followed the floor pattern, it was so easy to distinguish there which way to go, while looking around made my head spin.

i didn't like being in there. and i won't go back. but at least if i ever end up in a mirrored house, i can find my way out, that much i know.

in thinking about the dark things, the ugliness of my life, writing a lot about it right now, i've come to realize that i can't produce the effects i want.

i can't make myself to be other than i am right now.

so if i'm angry trying not to be angry doesn't help.

but i am trying to be aware of my anger in the moment, because perhaps then i'll see the triggers and learn to cope with them better, somehow.

i don't know. as usual, i don't know much of anything. though i sure use a lot of words to get to that point.

peace.