die hard.

so much to do, sometimes i have to just stop and write to figure out where i am, where my head is at. and there is only one reader i want to read who won't, so why do i bother? i just don't know. because i hope.

a friend told me,

that is the problem. hope. it's holding you back.

and i didn't understand until i read a passage by thich nhat hahn, that talks about

hope being always for tomorrow. it is not for the moment.

he said the same thing,

kill hope. (or let hope die, something like that).

it made perfect sense to me, but i am finding hope dies hard.

it still springs up in me though i try to douse it and squash it out.

i can't not hope.

just like i can't not be grateful.

even when my life is in the shitter, i am still grateful.

when i'm so weary and exhausted, i'm grateful i'm still functioning.

gratitude just rises up without my even trying to be grateful.

sometimes, i think my life would be easier if i could just be ungrateful, but i'm so damn grateful, i can't be ungrateful and i don't really understand it.

what is there in my life to be grateful for?

i remember when times were really hard, and i had to scrounge around for something to be grateful for, i'm breathing in and breathing out (i think i phrased it, i breathe in, for that i'm grateful).

things have not gotten that bad in those ways.

once you've been on the skids like that, it's hard to take even hardships negatively.

i'm so fucking grateful.

but i'm using bad language a lot lately.

i think i'm also angry. frustrated.

and that is something that needs to change. but how?

i don't really know. even when i was in fifth grade i cussed like a sailor. i swear, i had a bad mouth.

but now, i don't even hold it back and it's bad.

i'm not sure how one goes about changing their life, but mine could use an overhaul in many areas. this being one.

i guess i'll just have to take it moment by moment.

my daughter is reminding me when we visit her cousins i need to not cuss.

i say,

yes, daughter.

she says,

when do you need to start practicing?

now, probably.

but i keep failing. so i will try again tomorrow.

i'm angry. that is what it comes down to.

my sister and i were discussing our emotions and my two are hopelessness and rage. i vascillate between the two pretty regularly.

but i'm also grateful and hopeful.

strange.

i don't understand it. but that doesn't surprise me.

peace.