horrible

i decided today, i'm probably a horrible person. the worst. will likely die alone some old hermit bah humbugging my way through life.

i'm leaning over the counter at work talking to the kids, when my kid starts poking me. and poking me. and poking me.

i turn and snap at her,

knock it off.

and turn back to the kids who were asking me something and who looked horrified (they don't have children, they don't know how kids can set you off in an instant). they do, however, know, i am a crab sometimes, and i'm bossy, and i'm a bitch.

so i turn back around and try to finish my conversation with them, and they all have this deer in the headlights look.

so we leave. i feel like shit, and i ask her,

does that ever go well, when i'm not having a conversation with my co-workers?

no.

why did you do it then?

i wanted to show you something (in the pastry case).

what could you possibly show me that i don't see every day? and why couldn't it wait?

mind you, we are in my store, she's gazing into the pastry case that haunts my dreams and waking hours.

nothing.

so, i spoke quite sternly about this to her as we are driving to our (soon to be cancelled apt at the farm). The call comes and it's cancelled, and i'm frustrated because i spent an hour doing nothing. i had just sat down at the library to study when i get a call saying,

we can try. rain is just a drizzle.

i understand my girl's riding instructor needs to keep appts. it is how she earns her money. and by the time the lesson is cancelled and i'm home, i've wasted about two hours.

i crashed when i got home. slept until just now. i'm wicked tired and fortunately, before racing out the door this morning, i did all my chores and put dinner (chicken soup) in crock pot. it smells wonderful, hope it tastes as good.

a hot soup would do my soul good right now.

make me feel human somehow, even though i'm, apparently, a completely and total bitch.

watching diving bell and butterfly.

long day.


it is in french with subtitles, not really in the mood to read them. but i need an attitude adjustment. maybe this will help. hopefully now that i'll be up most of the night, i'll write.

it's a tough movie. true. i like those best.

they remind me that my life isn't, and doesn't have to be perfect.

so much to do before my next packet is due. so very much. i can only eat this particular elephant one bite at a time. one tiny bite at a time.

i realized, academic writing is essentially learning how to say fuck you in big words. never have liked writing like that. of course i can. i just don't like to.

i will make it through this semester, i just have to dig deep.
i can do that. i will do that.