Saturday, May 29, 2010

trying not to tremble

but sometimes the clattering of bones serves a purpose, it is what keeps the core from freezing over, or staves it off, warns the body to get warm quickly if possible. only trouble is, it's hot outside, and i'm quaking.

i'm not the first woman to find herself in this position. with uncertain ends. uncertain means. the only thing i know is that i am soon to be the one ultimately responsible for this little girl beside me. i have been the only one. but even with two jobs, school, and the other bits, i'm not sure i am capable.

and the men who want favors for certainty. if not certainty, than kicks. it is not something i would even consider now, the thought of it, repulsive as it is, makes me think of men as the lowest life form. and i try not to let this hostility breed because it is not men alone, it is, not that i am woman. it is not only i who have found myself in this position. that the choices i have made have led me here. to now.

to uncertainty.

and even those i most love cannot reach me here. it is my land and country. i must find my way, make my own way. i've known this.

he says to me,
someday in the future she's going to look at you and say, damn, what a mother i had.

and i smile. knowing i have to get out. have to find my own way. a way apart from any one having power over me. and that begins with the simplest decisions.

my job feels like a dead end, and it is. i've nearly reached the end of my rope with it. i'm trying to stay positive, but it gets tough.

and he said to me,
this is not it for us. we're moving on.

and i smile. having watched a customer berate him and his crew for doing their job.

need a smoke,
i said.

now i do,
he replied, and we walked outside where he replayed the whole scene again, though i watched. and commended him for keeping his cool.

i would have lost it,
i said.

i told them not to come back.
and he took a long drag on his cigarette. then laughed as the smoke escaped his lips.
this is not it for us.

i smiled and nodded, curled into a ball, shivering. though it has gotten warm, i found the trembling awaiting when i awoke and sought the kind eyes, the gentle smiles of those i love.

and i have to remember, trembling serves a purpose.

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