mulligan

well, i've about decided what to do, that takes a lot of the pressure off. and whatever, it is what it is. i'm tired. sick to death of trying to make this thing live, but apparently it's crap. i have to come to terms with that.

though it's not crap from my vantage point, mind you, merely theirs. the thing is, it is their opinion that lets me move on. do i keep trying. why do i want this. what the hell am i doing.

sometimes i think i know. but mostly i hate this program and i wonder if i should just toss in the towel, except that i'm not a quitter and i'm half way through. what will the second half be like, i don't know. i can't possibly know.

apparently i've contorted the language so much, into my own style, that it is incoherent to others.

so be it. the troubling part is, i can do this editing work for other writers, but i can't make it happen for myself, is it because it's not meant to be, or because i am typical of all writers who cannot distance themselves from their own work.

dunno. i'm struggling though. what the hell am i doing and why.

is it worth it, this credential, to keep at this, to keep trying. why give up now.

so many big questions. i'm short on every answer.

all ends well.

how does it?

i don't know, it's a mystery.