not everyone knows

i fall apart at night. that i break down and cry, have this entire week. i hope it's not my new normal, because i'm getting tired of it. i have avoided a public show by simply staying in my dorm room and crying. it's pathetic, really.

last night i braved a reading, and the tears just burst out of me like some water main broke. one fiction writer turned to me and asked,

are you okay?

yes,

i replied.

and kept trying to soak up tears that would not stop.

sometimes the tears must come. we're almost through with this process, just a couple more days to navigate. my graduate reading tomorrow. the details of the journey to california will occupy the forefront of my mind, blessed tedium.

i have tried to be honest with myself, and for the most part, i think i have been. hence, the tears.

i've written a few poems. more will come.

but for now, i smile as most people don't know what's going on. the ones who ask nod their heads as i reply. mostly, i'm asked during the day when i'm composed.

then, i can string some words together. not cry.

but the poems in workshop now turn to the matter which is most affecting me and i have to face it. during the day. with all my poet friends looking on.

if i stay silent and breathe, i can probably stave off the tears for the most part. i did yesterday, when the critique of my first poem of this set was met with wonder.

i remember when i wrote it. how wonderful it was.

how wonderful it was.