riddle me this

in the mysterious way life works, things are still plugging along. i try not to succumb to the swirl of confusion about me. i try to just keep steady. this morning, it feels manageable. i'm grateful for this.

i'm not sure if it is because i'm uprooted at the moment, visiting the place where i originated, or what, but i'm sorely lacking in comfort. and i'm trying to abide in the midst of that. comfort can be a distraction too.

so i take a deep breath, try to do something other than pay attention to the whirring of my mind, and be present to those around me. i love them. i never see them, i need to check in.

my aunt and mom came to visit yesterday. it was such a surprise seeing my aunt, i even snapped a picture. she who does not let others take her picture, didn't balk too much at me capturing her. through the years all we have is an arm, or back, rarely a posed shot. this was hardly a posed shot, but i was bound and determined to get one. and i did.

it was as if i was looking at myself years down the road. she is darker skinned than i, and i held her when we said hello. it was nice to be together again. she was a fixture in my life until i married.

my mom is my mom. i love her. she was generous when i showed her the latest poem i'd written about our childhood which includes some images of her. she didn't scold me, she just laughed. i was grateful for that. i really expected a scolding. but i wouldn't have let it change a thing, i think she knows that by now. i just needed her to know it was there. i'm not into hiding things. and so it was the first thing i did, show her the poem.

my professor, and everyone else, really like that poem. they say, you're taking risks,

i told her.

she just listened.

i was glad they were here. glad they came to see me.

i spent a bit of time alone on thursday, walking down laguna beach. i needed the quiet, the alone time to clear my head. i have a lot to process at the moment. i saw three dolphins playing in the surf off the shore, and the boogey boarders were having a blast. the waves were crashing pretty strong, so i only went in about three times to cool down and continued my sojourn south.

i would like to say i know what is coming and how. i would like to say a lot of things. but they just aren't true. i am as uninformed as the next guy. we are all just sojourners here. and i think the goal is to enjoy the journey.

and while i whittle down the days until my daughter's arrival, i try to focus on the tasks at hand. to be present. i haven't done so well. i've been troubled. but i will try again today.

and it will be well.

how will it

it's a mystery.