the weight of nothing

much has changed since last i wrote. literally. i have avoided page and pen in favor of eyes open heart open mind open. there was a lot going on. there still is, but i will attempt to find my way back to word. to that end, i have applied for a master class in the city. hopefully, i will be working on my poetry thesis for the next academic year in preparation for its subsequent publication. that is the plan. in conjunction with that, i will find a flamenco teacher and learn how to dance flamenco. there is one class but it butts right up against the thesis class and i lack the ability to teleport, but i know that when i am ready for it, i will find it. that is how my life works. i step out, the stone appears. not before i need it, not even before i extend my leg, just as i'm about to shift my weight to nothing.

then, the stone, as if it had been there all along, and of course it had, rises to meet my foot, to carry my weight, to further me along in my journey.

yoga was good today, vinyasa has been a challenge for me, but i'm finding i enjoy it more and more. i'm even knowing what comes next. i think that's part of it, not feeling like a complete heel, but moving with the flow. it makes one feel some kind of progress has taken place. and of course, it has.

we did this standing up, lift your right leg up and yoga lock your big toe, then extend your leg straight out while holding your toe with your thumb and index finger. then bow to your knee. a balance pose, i fell out of once, but i so enjoy the new positions. mostly i was able to angle down to the knee, but i haven't fully got the flat chest to thigh flexibility yet. someday.

this summer in california, when my mind was learning how to focus on the moment, in spite of the headlines (my own personal headlines, not the news, i don't watch the news), i had been applying for every job conceivable. trying to market myself. i'm not good at marketing myself. so, one day i applied for about a hundred jobs with this quick apply thing and it was so rediculous that i started laughing and i quit chasing after jobs. i just knew that i would have a job when i came back. i had written down what i needed in a job and was trusting that i would get it.

this is where the mind wanted to buck and spin wildly out of control. i cried some, i doubted some, i trusted more. i wrote a list of what i wanted in a job. pay rate, being able to take my daughter to her bus stop every morning, driving distance, dress code. i am never gonna be a dress to the nines kinda gal. as i said once long ago, i'm maybe a five, maybe that's pushing it. but never a nine.

so, i come home to an interview. i get through the preliminaries of the interview process and get bogged down in the references part. it's amazing how i have to take the SAT and pass with a score of 600 or better in the writing and reading sections, and the references are what held me up. the lady said,

do you want time to study,

i said,

no, let's just get the test over with.

either i was going to pass or not. true to form, i took the test, passed, and was ready for the next stage. well, life happens. one of my references never phoned in.

in the meantime, a friend told me about a job posting she had seen and i applied, post haste before taking the girls to a concert in central park. panic at the disco, incase you're wondering. the concert was lovely, and i knew i was going to get a call. i woke up tuesday morning and said to my lover,

i'm going to get a call today and i'm going to get the job.

sure enough, later that day i got the phone call.

let me tell you what we need,

she said.

the class starts tomorrow.

fine!

i said,

i'm so excited.

and i went in for an interview. she liked me so much she gave me two courses in stead of the usual one. she said,

i can tell you can handle it.

i said,

anything you need. i am available.

that's good to hear,

she said. and proceeded over the course of the next couple days to give me substitute jobs and an additional semester class. so instead of just one class, i have three. i hope for a fourth as things are still being ironed out in our department.

i am now an adjunct professor of english and teaching three classes. it's a wonder. a joy. i love it. it is my dream job. the kids (i know they are college aged adults, but i still call them kids), the kids are delightful. i can demystify the english language, the writing process and i can help them achieve their goals.

all told, i applied for the job on thursday, interviewed the following tuesday, and was teaching wednesday morning. that is how my life happens. without exception. i found i needed to withdraw my application at the tutoring gig (where i had to pass the SAT) and resign at the two papers i had been writing for, it was too much running around and i need to focus on my career now. i get to focus on my career now. that is the joy of it. i am in the door. miraculously.

what i could have met with dread during the summer, the thought of this time in my life, has become the best time of my life. dread wouldn't have prepared me for this season, only trust. only peace. i am grateful for this season, for the harvest that has come from the years of toil. that i have grown up.