deserving

before i dash off to sophie's class, i thought i'd take a minute to think out loud, and hope i can learn to let myself celebrate this place in life i find myself.

as i awoke, slowly on monday, that is, after i ran my daughter to school at 7:30am, and tucked myself back into bed for a little lingering snooze, i decided to just let myself laze about. there was no one to wait on today. no breakfast to cook, no coffee to make, unless of course i wanted some. mind you, this gives me great pleasure, to feed those i love (especially when they don't complain). but it is also wonderful to not have to do anything for anyone.

i slept the morning away, then roused myself for a cup of coffee and a movie. i found young goerthe in love to be just what i needed. something about the power of poetry. something about believing in yourself when it seems a pipe dream. when the odds are against you. when you are your own hell. i have known these places. lived in them. and now i find myself realizing dreams i had not thought would come to me now. but i am so grateful they have.

as i lingered in bed, tending to little other than poetry, a friend and i write poems together and monday we wrote at least three poems and finished a couple others. it was a very productive day creatively. but i found myself having to say out loud,

it is time for you to rest. you deserve to relax and have a day off.

making my way to this place in my life was exhausting. i tell my students this often, i understand. i was there. i know how it can be one mindnumbing deadline after the other, punctuated by work and family. forget about a social life. everything must wait, but it never seems to want to.

i am learning now, that everything, indeed can and will wait. that i can be in a moment of leisure. that i can trust in the goodness of people. that i can believe in love. i am in fact deserving of all this beauty. i have only just come to understand that fact and embrace it.