Tuesday, September 11, 2012


what is your dream and why do we have them.
is it some sick, twisted plot of an uncaring god, that we dream the unattainable. reach for the unreachable. and fail. always fail.
or do dreams serve a purpose.
i don't understand how it works. don't pretend to even know the inner reaches of my own mind. but i do know, i have dreams. big dreams. sometimes, they weigh on me, so heavily. i can hardly catch a breath.
sometimes i see the dreams of others, and the slumped shoulders of unfullfillment and wish, just wish i could make them all come true.
but i cannot.
if i stop there, hopeless in my singularity, there really is no point in waking up day after day. if i let the odds of my big dreams actually coming to fruition stop me, then i'd rather not be alive. for that is what fuels my heart. my soul.
the idea that my dreams, and yours, can come true. that is what i wake up each morning to see. do i have unclouded sight. do i get lost along the way. am i certain of the outcome at all times. no and yes as the case may be. i am fraught with humanity, just like you. i have only twenty four hours. i have only one heart to give. i have only one short span of years to live these dreams. or die trying.
i'm by nature, a feeling creature. i don't spend a lot of time on logic. i don't wrack my brain for outcomes. i just move forward by instinct, guided by some inner pull. turn here, look there. believe in this dream. and i do. to the best of my ability, i follow the whisper.
sometimes i find myself bloodied and bruised lying in a heap on the floor. other times, i can't contain my joy. and then there are days when i'm just trying to breathe in and breathe out. dreams aside, living must get done. bills paid. who knows how it works and why. i don't understand any of it. i really try not to bend my mind into philosophical pretzels.
what have i to show for this feeling sense. for this moving forward on a seemingly undirected path. on paper, not much. but i will tell you this, i have never known freedom like i know it now. i have never known myself, as i do now. i can be compassionate with myself and others, because i understand darkness, not because i have avoided it. i look into the abyss that is my soul at times, and i do not look away. it is part of me. i am grateful for it. the presence of darkness makes the presence of light so much more magnificent. i cannot apologize for it. nor do i try. i just keep trusting. that which needs to happen, does. i believe this. it is how i live my life. moving from trust to trust. following the whisper. believing the dream. i will see it come to pass in my lifetime. and my daughter, she will be free too, if i can help it.

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