i.m.perfect

sophie asked us to

embrace our imperfection.

as i stiffly bent into something vaguely resembling a reverse triangle, i saw the word in my mind. imperfect. break it down. i'm perfect. it made me smile. it's exactly what she was saying. we are perfect in our imperfection. just the kind of thing i love to hear. especially when i'm struggling through a class as i was tonight. it's not that i'm not flexible, it's just that i'm not practicing. the very sound of that makes me a bit queasy because i don't want to have a practice. i don't want to practice anything. but i find, i am finding, i need to. that i will have to let go of my reluctance and practice. something. anything. the thing that makes my heart sing. i even contemplated zazen this morning. did i do it, no, of course not. but i did think about it.

there was a season of my life when i had something of a push in that direction. meditation. yoga. the whole bit. i did do more yoga. i even meditated some. but i found the dogma, though it was beautiful dogma, was still just dogma to me. it made me angry that i had to conform to something like that. so i stopped. mind you, this was a time when i had said,

if i'm to do zazen, i will just wake up and do it.

i didn't want to do it for any one, or any particular reason. i just wanted to know if it was what i was supposed to be doing with my life. yes, i'm this tedious, always.

so wake up i did. sit. i did. 45 minutes each morning for about a week, but then i got really mad because i felt like i was conforming to something that was not sincerely mine. there is only rebellion in me sometimes. i can't help it. sometimes i will walk away from the very thing i need, just to prove i don't need it. to my own peril, of course. but i do it anyway.

i find myself in this position in my life where no one is demanding, cajoling, or even inviting me to do zazen. and i want to do it. that is what i needed. that is the key that i sought before. not that wants or needs are my guide, but i had to hear it from some deep in the belly place, and not just make that shit up. i couldn't tell if i was enthusiastic for company or for zazen itself. to me, it looked like just another thing i was willing to go along with.

today, in the absence of that kind of company. in the barren fruitfulness that is my life, i find myself searching for the thing that i need now. zazen.

and after sophie twisted us into knots, and we ended up legs folded into some semblance of lotus postion, arms resting at heart center, quiet at the end of class sophie reminds us,

this is what yoga is for. so we can meditate without pain. so we can sit without pain.

and i wished, i could have sat there longer. the desire in me to sit. to be still. to meditate is stirring. and i'm grateful. grateful that it is not some show. something to impress. something that anyone will actually even notice, but that i get to be quiet and still for just a moment and experience peace.