i'm new enough not to know who you are

before attending my first ever commencement as a member of the faculty, i read up on academic regalia. how the hell do you wear those caps and gowns and hoods and why. okay, not so much the why part, as the how. i wanted to look the part. even contemplated buying my own set, but opted for the cost effective rental courtesy of my school.

i had steamed the robe, so i didn't look like i just rolled out of the dirty clothes hamper, or just unfolded the robe from the packaging, oy! and i was ready to go. i read up on the dos and don'ts of regalia and opted not for the long formal dress i had first put on, since it had synthetic fibres, i opted for a cool cotton summer dress, and i'll tell you, in the hour we were parked in line in the library waiting for the rain to let up, i was grateful for the cotton.

being the social recluse that i am, i had a book in hand and parked myself in the library but had such a delightful time watching everyone arrive and the graduates posing for pictures, and the janitors taking breaks, and the administrators administrating, that i got hardly anything read. the first man to roll into the library unpackaged his robe and put on the crinkled up thing with the square fold imprints running up and down the length of his body. if this weren't bad enough, his hood was tweaked and no one seemed to know how to help. so i step up.

can i please help you.

he let me. and faculty member after faculty member arrived with hoods askew. i followed the worst ones and asked,

can i please untwist you.

one such soul said,

yes, please do.

and said,

i wonder why didn't any of the others offer to help.

so as i'm buzzing around this finely dressed man whose doctoral hood was tweaked, i said,

probably because they know who you are, but i'm new, so i don't know who you are.

to which he replied,

then i will wait till you're finished to tell you who i am.

dun dun dun.

so, without skipping a beat, i introduce myself,

i'm so and so in such and such department.

and he goes,

oh!

as i say my department, which i make mental note of. then wind my way around this gentleman's hood to the front and ask permission to fasten his hood to his collar so it doesn't ride up on his neck. he says,

yes please.

and i fasten the loop around his shirt button and zip up his robe and smile at him.

we are standing face to face and he tells me who he is. i extend my hand and say,

pleased to meet you.

and excuse myself to follow the next poor soul with hopelessly tangled regalia who happened to be another dean. yes, dear children, you see, i had just introduced myself, meddling paws and all, to the dean of my department.

what else is there to do but smile. thinking back on it now, i grin. because i don't network. yet the universe has ways of getting it done, you know what i'm saying.

so as we processed into the gymnasium for commencement and the throng of students, 771 truth be told, took their seats, i met eyes with my dean. he smiled gratefully and knowingly at me.

and i, back at him.

touch me babe

in the past nine months i've only attended maria's yoga class once. i had forgotten how hands on she is. so i'm in a triangle and she comes over and puts her knee behind me and starts doing other adjustments, but i had become unaccustomed to this, so i'm just trying not to giggle, when she says,

now, come up from core.

mind you, her head is under my left arm which is sticking up in the air and she's still got her leg supporting me, and hands on either side of my torso. i've got my legs splayed and my body cocked to the right with my right hand touching my right foot.

i begin to giggle and close up like a pillbug on the sidewalk.

she steps back and says,

can you come up from core

as i'd basically folded over forward out of her clasping adjustment. and i said,

not with your head in my armpit.

which, as anyone who knows me knows, is just the kind of smartass answer i always produce. and she said,

oh, i'm sorry.

and moved on to adjust another soul.

but i just smiled. i told her after class,

i had forgotten how hands on you are.

and it's not like sophie never adjusts. i guess i just really resonated with maria when i was touch deprived. so it felt very good to me. i'm all touched up. no lack there, so i like the fine finger tip delicate adjustments of sophie. she gets you into position without grappling your bits. you know what i'm saying :)

anyway. i'm agonna miss maria, too. there are a lot of things i loved about this place, but it's just time.

and i am ready.

commence with the commencement :)

so what if i look like a dork, this was probably the most beautiful experience i've had in a long time. the faculty lined the walkway and the students processed through the applauding faculty standing to either side of the walkway.

just sitting in the ceremony was moving, as i remembered being on the student side of the equation, not so very long ago.

life is good and dreams, my dear children, do come true.

goodbye sophie

tonight was my last yoga class with sophie. she is off to france for two months and in that time my life will radically change. i will miss her. she helped me find peace. she helped me connect with my breath. she was a safe place for me to drag myself to each week, often many times a week. and i will miss her.

there have been many significant women in my life, she is among them. i teared up when i thought i would not see her again. but when one door closes, another opens. there are wonderful things ahead, and i look forward to those.

i will miss her, and when she covered me for savasana, she said,

who will get my blocks and mat.

and i smiled at her. i know someone will. i would if i still could.

one thing is for sure, i will miss her.

another d--HEY!

so many wheels turning at the moment, it's hard to settle on just one idea. the undercurrent of it all is gratitude. i'm grateful to finally be at this place in my life, now moving forward, i just want to bless those around me and find peace. that is really all i've ever wanted, peace with a capital P.

so much to do today, but i will knock off my list one thing at a time, and try to be gentle with myself. i'm feeling a bit tired, and the aids walk is on sunday, so i have to rest up for that. my girl will be volunteering this year, and i'll be walking with my dearest love. how time flies.

yesterday in yoga, sophie kept getting her lefts and rights mixed up. she does this on occasion because she's french and is getting ready to spend her summer in france. i will miss her when she leaves as it might be the last time i see her. such is the way things go, but that is good news. it is time to fly this peaceful coop in favor of much happier and familyer places.

soon, i will be interviewing for another position at my place of employ, and i can only trust that it will be well. it is time for me to step up to this work wholeheartedly, i have grown and changed so much since this journey began.

yesterday, i had a realization, i will begin my doctorate work when this current master's work concludes. i will likely do my doctorate in poetry. why, because it is who i am. i am a poet. regardless of what i do or where i go, that is who i am.

i will walk in commencement for the first time as an instructor, i just picked up loaner regalia, and while it's not the bomb, it is sufficient, and i am grateful for it. i will consider buying new regalia as soon as i land this position, as i intend to walk every year from here on out, as my students are graduating. this first group who came in when i was green, will walk and i will be so pleased to see them move forward in their lives.

it is all good, it is all so very good. and i am grateful. that is my mantra. i am grateful.

perpendicular mats

it seems when i most need a mental check someone in yoga puts their mat down perpendicular to mine and waves their big arms in my face.

i know that sounds mean, but it is so much easier when everyone is facing the same direction and we stagger our mats so our arms wave in the same directions. because i swear, the biggest women in creation with the longest arms i've ever seen, get right in front of me and they don't stand at the top of their mat, they center themselves, so when they swing out their arms, they have to miss me, or i have to stand in the center of my mat, which isn't conducive to the endless saluting of the sun we do.

sigh

have to be the taxi, let's hope i can find my thought when i return.

speaking of large women, i think gordon ramsay is a saint. he is not only a chef, but a therapist to those he helps. i admire that. it's hard to watch him deal with people in such denial. all this mess from last week which i've been trying to wipe the remainders of, off my shoes, has me wondering if i live in denial much. perhaps we all do.

i've even been watching dr. drew and the way he deals so rationally, calmly, and professionally with the loonies who come through his door, makes me want to hug him. i love to see a job done well. i've read some arguments about dr. drew being an opportunist for filming his recovery sessions, but i believe the show sheds a great deal of light on the lives and trials of addicts. and when some lame character doesn't commandeer the show, it's actually quite good. i'm amazed shelly doesn't just flat out deck some of those patients, but that's why she's in that job and not me. and bob, well, he seems to have more freedom, and i like how nicely he balances shelly's discharge 'em mantra with even more patience.

these are the people i try to remember when i've got women's arm waddles waving in my face. my trials are slight. if i just breathe, and try to remember there is a reason for everything, usually, it all works out. and if i can lend a hand in kindness, perhaps not to the extent of ramsay or dr. drew, if i can just keep my mouth shut and focus on my form in yoga, then maybe, maybe the world is a little bit of a better place for me not spewing nastiness.

that is, until i come home and blog about it...

two steps forward baby

and so it begins

the hard work of being happy. and i pursue my dreams with no less vigor than before. when dreams begin to take shape and are so close you can reach out and feel them, it is hard to wait for them to actually become yours. this is what i'm coming to understand.

so much of fulfillment is patience. enjoying the moments just before the dawn, as well as the sunrise. then, at the end of day, learning to savor the shifting of lights, when the bats take to wing in their erratic flight and smoke wafts to the heavens. the fire crackles at your feet, and a good, peaceful day has passed.

i expect nothing but joy, nothing but goodness, nothing but love triumphant.

it surprises me still, when my triggers get triggered, and i can only feel my way through. but i am still human. so today, as i collect myself and move forward, i bring with me, my trust, my openness, my love for life. i believe goodness is waiting for me today, just like it has every other day. blessing is bursting forth today, just like every other day.

i trust it will be well.

and so it shall.

be happy, just not around me.

almost to the midpoint of the year, and i find my quest for happiness continues. even when i hit bumps, or have major wrecks, as the case may be.

so far, it is going well in my master's program and i expect no less. i am teaching on saturday, the only "extra" i did not remove from my schedule to focus on school. i am not entirely sure why things happen when they do, or how they do, but i trust that we have not come here for naught.

even the seeming inexplicable has purpose, i believe this. it is not that i cannot abide meaninglessness, i am the first one to say,

let something be, we don't have to understand it.

but, when i am truly baffled by events unfolding, it is better to just trust.

so i unplug now, i move beyond reach. i shut my doors and windows to those who would intrude. and open them to those beautiful summer's days ahead. the water waiting to carry me.

i am ready for more joy, more peace, more happiness, and those willing to partake in that with me.