it was those damn clowns!

so, midway through my shift, snuggles and pinky are at the register. snuggles in a purple wig, big red nose, requisite smiley face (so as not to scare away the children supposedly being "entertained" by this macabre sight). pinky, had yellow hair, big red nose, and painted on smile, as well.

pinky's drink comes together nicely, but when it's snuggles turn--after the requisite conversation which starts,

i've always been afraid of clowns--

my co-worker frozen in place, eyes locked on these two smiling happy (or manic, i'm not sure which), clowns.

it was that movie, the clown movie.

i say
when we're trying to decide why everyone is afraid of clowns.

i couldn't remember the film then, but if i'm not mistaken, poltergeist has a rather horrible clown scene. (poor clowns, they get a bad rap).

or maybe it's just that they are supposed to be happy in a relatively unhappy world. or the joker is the most well known clown and look how he turned out? i'm not sure.

mmm, dinner. brb.

i am no eagle

but i would like to be someday.

the chief came to my poetry reading on tuesday. he knew a few of the people there, i guess you don't get to be who you are and not meet a few people along the way.

and now, he plans to start writing some things down, he says.

which makes me happy. writing is infectious. he puts it,

the only chiefs who get the time to look for eagles are the ones that live in the clouds with them.

which also makes me smile. it was a good, strong reading night, the other. it has been so long since i've just been able to read with no real baggage. i could have read longer, but i didn't have an agenda, and i don't know how much of my work to subject people to in one sitting.

but there was at least two poets there who made themselves known and will likely join us for future meetings/readings. which is good. we need to work on delivery, but that will get done. and our fall reading (seems like we'll be doing these quarterly), will be in october. i'm looking forward to it.

ah, and the good news is, last night at work i met a musician, who also has a recording studio. his rates are reasonable and i'm going to try to get together with him to do companion cds of me reading my works. these are very effective. i listen to galway kinnel all the time. though i don't know that my stuff is the kind of thing you'd listen to repeatedly, it is probably something to hear me reading it.

i told the musician, i was just going to crawl in my closet with a tape recorder, and he laughed.

i meet many musicians and artists, because i notice long hair. i always have. the longer the better in my book. and rare the man who can make a living with his colors draped down his back, if you know what i mean.

so, it's nice to still be meeting long hairs. i've always had a soft side for them. they remind me that i'm not alone in the world, others are trying to find their way as well.

that's all. i'm off today. workout. laundry. maybe let my daughter swim (but the water is freezing, i don't know if she can handle it, maybe she can). i still can't swim, next week hopefully, but not for sure.

peace. out.

hmm.

it will be nice having another month off school. i get so lazy though. and after last night's yoga, i was ravenously hungry. we did this bendy thing where you lay on the mat, lift your feet up in the air and pin your pelvic bone to the floor, then say you bend to the left, your right leg has to touch the floor, then you do the same thing on the other side, we did this several times, then we walked our arms back while reaching our feet to the floor which results in sitting in an upright positon facing the opposite direction.

this is all wonderful for belly dancing. getting up off the floor is important. if i can stop grabbing my knees and groaning as i get up (not always, just sometimes), it will be well. the geriatric dancer, they'll call me. but no, i keep trying to do these kinds of deep squats and such to stay flexible.

today is cooler and the breeze is actively clearing out the stagnant air conditioner air, and that just makes me happy. i had gotten concerned about the farm because i hadn't heard from my girl's instructor, but i ended up phoning her yesterday, and she had arranged for a lesson for my girl today (that was the plan, i just didn't know it was actually a go). and since, early in the week i had a dream that we weren't doing saturdays, i let my girl know. perpare yourself for the eventuality.

so i asked her while i had her on the horn,

do you need us for saturday?

yes. please.

of course, no problem.

we are glad to do it. and i'm relieved to do it. it is an essential link for my girl. and since there was riding camp last week, i didn't get to go laze about the farm all day on tuesday. i was busy busy. i hope we can get back to that slower pace and find our way back to the rhythm we had established with the horses.

i am getting nickered at by them when i walk in, and the big thoroughbred uses me as a scratching post, rubbing her giant head along my body, while i scratch her itchy spots between her ears. she's a gorgeous horse. i have never seen anything so beautiful as her. she's young and strong. a bit of a handful, but so captivating.

and bucky, i stayed away from because i didn't want to get anyone angry. but i hope to see him saturday. it's been weeks since i visited him for a length of time. mostly, i just blow him a kiss from afar.

i say my girl is not ready to not go to that farm, but sometimes, i fear it is me who is not ready. i have a lot to learn yet. and hopefully, we'll have many more months and years with these horses.

peace. out.

remember the foam

i sank into the pool with my fresh tattoo sticking out of the water, i had to, it was hot. and i sat in the breeze under a tree with my new york friend. it was a lovely afternoon, and my daughter got shuttled away to spend time with her daughter and we just hope they won't have hormonal breakdowns simulatneously, or that they won't happen in the middle of the night. because i'm not going to drive that far for a meltdown. i told my kid,

if you want to come home, you're just going to have to deal with it.

okay.

she said. eager to go.

she doesn't breakdown, or usually want to come home, but this is the first time at this new friend's house for an overnight, so who knows.

it was one of those, everyone seems to have missed their bus or is running to catch their train days. i have a poem that started brewing when i offered this man a ride today.

i'm a sucker for the man racing to catch a bus, the way his arms fly up in defeat as the bus pulls away.

i pulled up to this particular man, greying hair, a plaid taupe jacket, black messenger bag.

i can give you a ride to the next bus stop if you'd like.

and he hops in, my car is full of crap (always), so he just steps on it all, an i apologize for the clutter.

but i get stuck at the red light before i've even left the curb.

you're not going to make it.

he says. then exits the car.

i wasn't on a particularly tight schedule and would have taken him to the next or next bus stop (the bus system is pretty unforgiving). but he didn't want my help ultimately. so i drove on. went to work out.

my friend sat across from me when the topic came back to poetry (sorry kids, it's a major theme in my life), and said,

you are courageous for writing what you do. i spent my life not talking about those things. and there it is, in black and white, you said it all. the book is intense.

she wanted to warn me off of writing that way, but then i explained to her,

it is what i do. i do it because i can. i do it for those who cannot.

and then she carried away my child for an evening of fun, and i was going to study, but now i don't have to.

huzzah!

my element

fish have water, birds have thermal updrafts, i have open mics.

last night, i read to my poet friends, whom i am enjoying more and more as time goes by. the one who races through his poems, and i'm always saying, slow down! the one who reads with grace and ease, but when he takes the mike he seems tenative. there is something about a mic and podium.

hearing your own words projected like that. there is no hiding.

and making eye contact is hard, but worthwhile. it is essential, i think.

reading with your head down, eyes riveted to the page, does not futher your point, deliver your message, though i've seen many poets do it, the big ones, don't. simple as that.

i need to get my dodge tickets.

and the heat has come again.

humid, oppressive heat. and i still opened all the windows because i need to see out. i need to hear the birds.

a poem i wrote, which i maybe shouldn't have read aloud, because someone said it had a part that didn't necessarily belong, well, i read it anyway, and i knew it belonged. i could hear the poem in my mind. i knew the poem would fly. and it flew.

it lifted off and circled the room, dancing in midair.

and i grasped the podium at one point, leaned in, and read.

it was a good time. and we need to workshop these performances, because it matters what you choose. the stories you tell. it matters to the listeners. it matters to you.

if a poem is significant enough, if you feel it through your bones. if you vibrate with every syllable of it, then it will fly. (provided you don't screw up the delivery, rare is the poem that can survive the quavering voice, the downcast head, the rushing through of nervousness).

but when you stand there, in the moment, in the presence of your poem. and you read with your true voice. make the sound you make, large and loud. it will fly, it always does.

the audience responds to that presence.

and it was strange because the lady who organized the read and was the feature, had such a monotone voice, not a bad monotone. not the droning white noise of a spinning fan, but a happy, almost too soft kind of vocalization, that is the only way i can describe it--happy--because that is how she strikes me. and good for her, but happy doesn't make for a good read.

there's more to it than there seems to be. and we are in agreement, that we need to workshop reading our poems. and keep having these library readings, even if only we attend, so we can get better and stronger.


peace. out.

being wanted

it felt good, tonight. all seven hours of it. not once did i wish i were someplace else, time flew by, which meant to me, that i was engaged the whole time.

my new job is the bomb. i am grateful for the trust of new managers who seem to be more healthy than dysfunctional, which is important.

i was trained by a wonderful girl tonight, one with no agenda, just loves her job and loves meeting and helping others who love their job. it's a great environment.

and i got lost coming home, but fortunately for me, my best friend from seattle called just when i got lost so i wasn't alone in the dark. everything looks different in the dark on those windy country roads, so i missed my last turn, and ended up one or two onramps south of where i'd intended, but it worked out just fine.

i'll get the hang of it soon.

and i didn't even get a ticket. my plan was to walk the streets when i got there early to figure out where to park. i did good, parking in a four hour spot, then moving my car on my lunch break to a spot where the time limit ended at 6pm. i ended up right across the street from my store, and the girls risk getting parking tickets so they can park right outside the store, but i'm not that lucky with ye olde traffik cops. (or parking cops, as the case may be), so i'm happy to have to walk just across the street. though tonight i almost got mowed over, i've just got to have my wits about me.

all told, i was home by 11:45, and that's not so bad. i can live with it.

to work someplace, to be someplace, to find someplace where you're welcome, wanted, and anticipated. that is what i've needed. i hated my previous job because everyone was petty. here, there are more mature people in management. i got the lowdown from the departing store manager (who leaves in about a week and a half for seattle).

the new mgr is a guy who looks like an elf. he seems nice enough.

the place could use some help, but they have an industrial dishwasher, so i won't have dishpan hands anymore. huzzah!

that was the hardest part, i think, always having my hands in that hot dishwater, i kept overheating.

but not so much tonight.

so the first thing they do when i arrive is hand me a key to the safe, give me digits, and i'll get my store key friday when the departing shift leaves.

trust. welcome. warmth.

the commute is worth it all.
i'm so relieved.

peace.
and i mean it.

hurry up and slow down

so i'm up at two am, doing dishes (what else is there to do at two am, really, unless you're a doctor).

my bunny was up to no good at that hour, so i let him out to hop around, he seemed to enjoy this time to stretch his springy legs. he took his agression out on a rather imposing looking shopping bag, which made tons of noise. i kept expecting my husband to walk in with a shotgun.

and the thought of an aggressive bunny made me laugh. it's my limited vocabulary that makes him aggressive, not his nature. i'll have to think on this a while yet before i can articulate what i'm trying to say.

so i finish the dishes, and pop bunny back in his cage, and i check my cyberclass ust in case it's up and running, as it wasn't at midnight. 2am, it's on. and i'm stoked. spent about an hour reading the preliminary materials, and since this is technically a science class, the prof's writing is amazing. meaty, wonderful. he will challenge me for sure.

i ordered my texts online, which is why i've been raring to go, we can't even get that process started which seems foolish (to withold titles until the actual day class begins). my school said i could check their website but the address is no longer functional. i don't know that they check their materials much, but it's nice, when leaving for a holiday weekend, to send someone bum information. this instills confidence, especially if you represent a learning institute.

but then again, maybe it's not the institute that is to blame. you're only as strong as your employees, and i know enough about that to know, not a whole lot of people out there are wanting to outshine their job descriptions.

so there are only two of us in the class. and this is fine by me, except that it will mean more waiting. (and oh, how i love to wait)

i post my intro at 3am then go to bed, fully expecting to wake up to something, some glimmer of response, some post by someone who is as fired up about this class as i am. but maybe that is unfair. i have a lot more reasons to be fired up. and that also may be unfair to say i have more reasons, but the long and the short of it is, i'm raring to go. and it looks like, i'm just going to the gym now. maybe in a few hours someone will be saying something in my class.

peace. out.