Thursday, May 03, 2007

is just a

i'm struggling with believing right now. the way i live is metaphoric. i am trying to get my feet on the ground and touch the earth so i can make some progress in my life. but it seems, i am too dreamy, too full of imagination and ideas to make concrete business decisions and be a hardass.

i'm told a hawk is just a hawk. it is of no special consequence. and while part of me says,
yes, that is true. or that may be true for you.
another part of me says,
lies, horrible lies, don't believe them.

nothing is just what it seems. there is always more. always more.

this is ever so true in poetry. we say what we say but we say so much more. we say worlds of things that often go undiscovered because people are so busy contemplating the word they miss the metaphor. i guess, my problem is, i contemplate the metaphor and miss the word.

but i don't know how to be other than i am. the girl i was before is dead and gone. i am who i am today. a believer in dreams, a hoper in things like camelot. though i know all stories do not play to such fine ends, i understand that we touch some of the divine even in the most mundane tasks. for this belief, i fight.

i'm not sure how to break away from this belief in the unbelievable. how to say, here and no further. drawing lines and hedging myself in. i have too long wanted the butterflies to waft into unhedged gardens and the creatures of the forest to find their way to me. this is not possible if i'm locked inside walls of disbelief.

at least i don't believe it is.

i'm burying many dreams lately. but finding the most surprising shoots, things long still and seeming dead. hopes i'd given up on. but here they come. rising, reminding me to keep believing. dreams do come.

there is this line i heard in a movie, it says,

we never get what we really want. we get to see it. but it is never ours.

(how true this feels to me now. but i can't believe this, embrace this. i must believe we can attain what we need. there's a difference, to be sure between needs and wants.)

i guess the getting is what nullifies the want, and before we realize it, the thing is discarded on the floor of our life, we're off wanting the next thing.

i'm trying to want what i have. to focus on the present and be grateful for now. i don't know how to do this except to believe the things i see are more than i see. the dreams i dream are more that just passing fancy. they are and they can speak if i will listen.

the hawk is never just a hawk, now is he?

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