new beginnings

i'd like to think today is a new beginning. that today will be different. i wanted to sleep in today, and i did. i wanted to do tai chi this morning in the garden, i didn't. i didn't want to go to church today, but did.

i'd like to shuck this doubt from my life. to blossom and thrive. i don't know that i can leave off the questions. i don't know that i can stop asking them even when they drive the answerers away. or those who i thought could bear the questions. i can't stop asking.

so today, i resolve to ask again. unafraid. and speak the truth as i hear it, see it. believe it to be.

i am certain we all are unique and our uniqueness is what contributes to the beauty of this world. that your answers are not necessarily mine and my questions are not necessarily yours. but in some places they overlap.

i'm willing to live with uncertainty and doubt. willing to believe in dreams and hope for the future, though it is all a mystery to me.

i'm willing to drag myself back to church each sunday believing God is not dead. and there is an actual body there, that if i participate it may actually start respirating and give me life as well. who knows. maybe we are too disjointed and the body's gone blue and i need to find some new place to search for what i seek. maybe.

there is a bunny waiting for me, and fresh air, blossoms swirling in the breeze. i will go out, as is now my custom and do tai chi under the dogwood tree. looking up into the blossoms.

i will not fear the silence i so coveted when i came here, but now unnerves me at times. i just completed a deprivation and before it began wrote, i'm afraid to be alone.

then alone i must be, is what i resolve. with myself until i can abide the company and come to understand what troubles me most. i may never know, but i will never stop asking the questions.

today is a new day, ripe with promise. and i for one, am not going to waste it.