trying not to tremble

but sometimes the clattering of bones serves a purpose, it is what keeps the core from freezing over, or staves it off, warns the body to get warm quickly if possible. only trouble is, it's hot outside, and i'm quaking.

i'm not the first woman to find herself in this position. with uncertain ends. uncertain means. the only thing i know is that i am soon to be the one ultimately responsible for this little girl beside me. i have been the only one. but even with two jobs, school, and the other bits, i'm not sure i am capable.

and the men who want favors for certainty. if not certainty, than kicks. it is not something i would even consider now, the thought of it, repulsive as it is, makes me think of men as the lowest life form. and i try not to let this hostility breed because it is not men alone, it is, not that i am woman. it is not only i who have found myself in this position. that the choices i have made have led me here. to now.

to uncertainty.

and even those i most love cannot reach me here. it is my land and country. i must find my way, make my own way. i've known this.

he says to me,

someday in the future she's going to look at you and say, damn, what a mother i had.

and i smile. knowing i have to get out. have to find my own way. a way apart from any one having power over me. and that begins with the simplest decisions.

my job feels like a dead end, and it is. i've nearly reached the end of my rope with it. i'm trying to stay positive, but it gets tough.

and he said to me,

this is not it for us. we're moving on.

and i smile. having watched a customer berate him and his crew for doing their job.

need a smoke,

i said.

.

now i do,

he replied, and we walked outside where he replayed the whole scene again, though i watched. and commended him for keeping his cool.

i would have lost it,

i said.

i told them not to come back.

and he took a long drag on his cigarette. then laughed as the smoke escaped his lips.

this is not it for us.

i smiled and nodded, curled into a ball, shivering. though it has gotten warm, i found the trembling awaiting when i awoke and sought the kind eyes, the gentle smiles of those i love.

and i have to remember, trembling serves a purpose.

do i have to?

we don't really get a break in this mfa program. it's pretty much two years of solid work. the breaks are really prep time for the next thing. and so on. it's tiring. i know i have to pull a manuscript together, and sooner than later, but i'm just too tired right now. i don't feel like it. and i am not sure of what i'll include, how much to reveal. serious consideration for a confessional poet.

but i'm tired, work comes early.

must rest.

blackie

so, strangely enough, my phone is now named blackie lawless. my navigator, which sometimes tries to get me jacked taking me off main highways and through very bad neighborhoods for driving tours, is named sybil. my car, of course, is named, simply, pony.

it started back when we were kids. my aunt had a grey nova she called sylvester. i don't know why she called it this. she always named her cars. my mom's white toyota celica was called nj's cloud, up until the time my sister dropped the muffler off it and drove it into the ground.

it's a strange thing, family tradition. i don't know how or why it starts. but my sister's old palm pilot was named minerva. now she's trying to think of a name for her new phone, but i took the best name, so she will likely take her time to decide.

not sure what she calls her car, i'm sure she'll tell me at some point. it's weird, i know. but we all do it. i don't know why.

so i'm waiting, patiently would be a stretch, somewhat anxiously would be more accurate, for my prof to return my last packet of work. i think i have some great new poems in there. i hope she agrees. her opinion matters at this point. my last paper was a suckfest, so i will take whatever critique she offers in stride.

i am going to miss her. we are officially done after this. so in so many ways, i don't want the letter to come, but i know it must.

the end is needed just as the beginning.

i will go about my day and let the end come as it will. as it must.

quiet now

finally, no drilling, no blasting, the street outside my door is silent and i can rest a bit before work. i'm tired. but more than that, i've still got a lot to do. last night at the ball, the col. asked for one major thing which will require me to scramble to make it happen.

sigh.

tomorrow, i'll scramble tomorrow. for now, my daughter has competed in her vocal competition, we are home, and i can rest before work. then in the morning, riding lesson then closing the store again. i'm grateful i don't have to do a clopen like was originally planned for tonight and tomorrow, i would have been dangerously tired for the drive to the farm.

i had three clopens, one impromptu and two scheduled. i don't know why, it just worked out that way i guess, but i've traded away two of the shifts, and now myself and another girl only have one each. which is far, far better than having three in one week. i can't even imagine what a gargantuan bitch i'd be if i had to work that schedule next week.

everyone is coming home, and i can't wait. i keep getting messages, i miss you, can't wait to see you, but there ain't nothing like having my people back in arm's reach. i miss them.

now, to rest.

fifteen

it was my fifteenth wedding anniversary yesterday. a strange day by all accounts. i wandered from chore to chore, friend to friend, seeking solace, direction, something, anything. and finding just weirdness. there were a few moments of light, when the people i loved loved me back, sat with me, ate with me, and just let me be weird, but i didn't expect it to matter. i guess fifteen is significant somehow, and with the upheaval, i hadn't expected to feel it. the past two years our anniversary went by without my even noticing. we didn't even mention it to each other when we were living together, he sent me a text the next day two years ago. strange in the manner of strange. but now, i just want to end this.

i think that is what i came to, the bottom line for me, is that i don't like unresolved issues. i can't deal with them. so i am inclined to hack away at the roots of a thing until it yields. but this, i have not. largely because my attorney advised me not to. she was wise, but time has passed, a year gone by. and i need to end this. and end it now.

part of the weirdness is my best friend, the ground of my soul, the one who most holds me together of late, particularly through this exhausting semester, is away at sea. lounging on some beach in the bahamas. i don't begrudge her anything, i'm glad she's relaxing and enjoying the sun. she is a heliophile. i get it. but, i haven't been able to talk to her, or email much, and we are in the habit of talking every day. so, i'm missing that. missing her missing me. she has sent word from the ship nearly every day, mostly telling me about the parties and the people she's met. that she wishes i was there. some chitchat, but it's not the same. i need dialogue not one liners.

that is one thing my mentor understood about me, that i question. that it is okay to question. it's not meant to be combative, it just is. my quest, my journey, is all about soul searching. she was okay with that, said she saw herself in that aspect of me, which i highly respect. i will miss this season, as i await her final letter before sending me off on my next journey with a new advisor, i will miss her presence, her warm accepting presence in my life. but it has to end. the baby must be born, the flower must fade. the cycle continues. death precedes rebirth. i understand this.

so, that is where i'm at with my marriage. it must end. last night was my daughter's school concert and i thought back to last year, when i attended alone, but sat beside him. i brought her flowers, and felt the outsider. i was not introduced to anyone as her parent, but left to stand aside and watch. there was no, and

this is renee's mom.

it was just her dad and her. i don't begrudge him his accolades as father. i wish he were there last night for her, not beside me, mind you, but for her. it's strange, seeing how much our lives have changed. for the better, i believe, but so different. like moving from earth to mars or something.

i don't miss it. i am not sorry i left. it was right, and necessary. it just feels stange is all, to have our marriage having been dead for so long, and to still have the anniversary clock ticking. it feels very surreal. that's what yesterday was for me, a surrealist adventure which i did not enjoy.

i sat with a dear friend, who moved closer to me so i could reach and he could hear. i'm touchy, he doesn't mind. so i kept back handing his arm, and we ordered things to share, eating off each other's plates, as i'm inclined to do. earlier that morning, my girl friend sat across from me and helped herself to my plate, and i was glad. these people are my family. they help me to feel not alone in this life. they are only tenuously connected to me, and perhaps will someday leave, but for now, they are who i call, and who call me, when life gets intolerable.

and we laugh.

court date soon, other reasons. but this end will follow hard on that one. i can't wait any longer. it's time. that's one thing i know, when it's time to move on.

finito

finally handed in my last paper. i had to get it overwith. hope the prof likes it, because i was squeezing blood out of this here turnip. i'm so tired, infinitely tired. but the push continues at least through next week. i'm still in the middle of that damn literacy thing, but i'm grateful for it, i've learned so much. i'm just down to the wire with my other deadlines too, so i can't devote much to it anymore.

my kid is leaving for three weeks this summer and i'm just going to sleep when i'm not working. maybe i won't even get out of bed. i certainly won't shop for groceries.

i will miss her though. little thing keeps me hopping. but it's all good.

peace. out.

blessing

why are we in each other's lives? the only reason i can come up with is, to bless each other. to help bear each other's burdens. to be a shoulder to cry on. someone to cuddle with in the cold. someone to belly laugh with. why else?

when i have these things, i have peace.

peace is really all i'm after anymore. believe me, there is so much on my plate, i would lose heart if i had to go it alone. i simply can't. that's why i'm grateful for the people who lean into me as i lean into them.

i'm tired, but my mind is whirring. it was a curious night, and i'm sorry it will likely lead to replacing this kid at work. i asked nothing more than i would have expected of myself. gratefully, the girl i most trust was working with me and said she would have done the same.

i have finally found peace at work. still drama, but there is a safe core in the center of it where i can wait it out.

i really want to enter my field though, the sooner the better. but when the time is right, it will happen, i know it. i need the right job, not just a different job.

and peace.

yes, that most of all.

swirling eddies

so, the danger has passed and i remain standing.
it was scary though. standing so close to being swept away. now today, i had to guard my me time and not get swept into work, though i wanted to, i really wanted to. but i need nature more at this moment.

i have to remember to focus on the goodness of the ones i love.

to let myself open to new people and welcome them.

i happened upon the sweetest mom and her son yesterday. it turns out, fate had a hand in it, and my girl has reconnected with this dear soul. and we were both giggling like school girls last night because it was just fun. and fun is good.

i love my girl. i want her to experience the goodness and depth of friendship i have known my whole life over. i am a rich woman based on friendship alone. my friends have been my lifesblood for so long. and my family loves me, but friends choose you, i think that is the difference.

families are a kind of draft, but friends ally for their own reasons.

so i am off to spend the day with my friends. this is the highest and best purpose of my day off. to spend it with people i love. nothing else matters.

no, not even pain.

and i quoted a poem i had told my best friend before, one that i wrote some time ago. and she said,

i understand it so differently now.

yes.

i smiled.

poems evolve right along with us. it's quite fantastic.

can you

keep me safe and warm? i wonder sometimes, how people manage alone. i swear sometimes it is only the belief of others in me that gives me strength to take another step. the trust in my core is undiminished, but that's not without being tested. i can't not trust because others are untrustworthy. i can't live like that.

so what to do?

trust. it is the only answer i ever come back to that makes any sense at all.

trust that it will work out.

i was trying to explain this to a friend, i do not trust in any one person or thing, in any deity or any tangible (or intangible thing), save trust alone. i trust. that's it. it is not a focused trust but a way of life. that i trust it will be well, and it is. it always is.

though darkness descends and i tremble, it remains the right thing to do.

very much like that scene in chronicles of narnia where the boy had to walk through the fog on a precipice, and could only feel aslan breathing.

i need to feel the warm breath of aslan to get through this.

i'm afraid. it's dark. i'm alone, but in actuality, i'm not.

i know there is a web of love surrounding me, holding me up, holding me together sometimes. and it is this web, this love, this certainty that i trust.

it will be well.

how does it?

i don't know, it's a mystery.