fifteen

it was my fifteenth wedding anniversary yesterday. a strange day by all accounts. i wandered from chore to chore, friend to friend, seeking solace, direction, something, anything. and finding just weirdness. there were a few moments of light, when the people i loved loved me back, sat with me, ate with me, and just let me be weird, but i didn't expect it to matter. i guess fifteen is significant somehow, and with the upheaval, i hadn't expected to feel it. the past two years our anniversary went by without my even noticing. we didn't even mention it to each other when we were living together, he sent me a text the next day two years ago. strange in the manner of strange. but now, i just want to end this.

i think that is what i came to, the bottom line for me, is that i don't like unresolved issues. i can't deal with them. so i am inclined to hack away at the roots of a thing until it yields. but this, i have not. largely because my attorney advised me not to. she was wise, but time has passed, a year gone by. and i need to end this. and end it now.

part of the weirdness is my best friend, the ground of my soul, the one who most holds me together of late, particularly through this exhausting semester, is away at sea. lounging on some beach in the bahamas. i don't begrudge her anything, i'm glad she's relaxing and enjoying the sun. she is a heliophile. i get it. but, i haven't been able to talk to her, or email much, and we are in the habit of talking every day. so, i'm missing that. missing her missing me. she has sent word from the ship nearly every day, mostly telling me about the parties and the people she's met. that she wishes i was there. some chitchat, but it's not the same. i need dialogue not one liners.

that is one thing my mentor understood about me, that i question. that it is okay to question. it's not meant to be combative, it just is. my quest, my journey, is all about soul searching. she was okay with that, said she saw herself in that aspect of me, which i highly respect. i will miss this season, as i await her final letter before sending me off on my next journey with a new advisor, i will miss her presence, her warm accepting presence in my life. but it has to end. the baby must be born, the flower must fade. the cycle continues. death precedes rebirth. i understand this.

so, that is where i'm at with my marriage. it must end. last night was my daughter's school concert and i thought back to last year, when i attended alone, but sat beside him. i brought her flowers, and felt the outsider. i was not introduced to anyone as her parent, but left to stand aside and watch. there was no, and

this is renee's mom.

it was just her dad and her. i don't begrudge him his accolades as father. i wish he were there last night for her, not beside me, mind you, but for her. it's strange, seeing how much our lives have changed. for the better, i believe, but so different. like moving from earth to mars or something.

i don't miss it. i am not sorry i left. it was right, and necessary. it just feels stange is all, to have our marriage having been dead for so long, and to still have the anniversary clock ticking. it feels very surreal. that's what yesterday was for me, a surrealist adventure which i did not enjoy.

i sat with a dear friend, who moved closer to me so i could reach and he could hear. i'm touchy, he doesn't mind. so i kept back handing his arm, and we ordered things to share, eating off each other's plates, as i'm inclined to do. earlier that morning, my girl friend sat across from me and helped herself to my plate, and i was glad. these people are my family. they help me to feel not alone in this life. they are only tenuously connected to me, and perhaps will someday leave, but for now, they are who i call, and who call me, when life gets intolerable.

and we laugh.

court date soon, other reasons. but this end will follow hard on that one. i can't wait any longer. it's time. that's one thing i know, when it's time to move on.