what now

after we have done all we can do for our children, we turn them loose on the world and hope they choose aright. i feel this so poignantly at the moment, it's coursing through my body, my blood. my hopes that this child will become.

she has thought i wanted her to become some thing. some one. but i want only for her to become herself. to be unencumbered. i have tried to navigate a path to freedom. i live as simply and as honestly as possible, my child beside me all the way.

has she seen things she probably need not see. of course. have i exposed her to too much, too soon. possibly. but she is a fine creature. she has always been solid. grounded. when her youth gets the best of us, we deal with it. my age gets the best of me sometimes, and she has to deal, as do i, with whatever messes we make. and so we shall.

i understand everyone parents differently. that we are not all fashioned by the same hand or mind, thankfully. and that is what creates such fine diversity among minds and hearts. that, truly, is what gives me hope. that even my stab at parenting is enough. i never asked for perfection or demanded it of myself parentally. i knew it was beyond me. i just wanted to be enough. just what she needs, when she needs it.

am i always there, no. am i ever late, absolutely. do i let her down, of course. i can't help it. but this child has learned how to give and take. sometimes she takes more than she gives, but i attribute that to youth. that she will make right choices when they matter. and when she does choose aright, i am delighted. because she chose it herself. it wasn't me cajoling her, or scolding her, or damning her into behaving, it was her being her. that's all i've ever wanted.

she has, undoubtedly, undeniably, had an unconventional childhood. i have tried to curb my parental antics and be the best i could be for her. but also, i demand the best of her. though in things pertaining to who she is, i give her free reign. always there to remind her that there are consequences, and to show her my life of consequences, the child knows. oh does she know, the costs of living the artist's life. she lives this life alongside me. and as we share the joys of creativity. the highs of inspiration. we must navigate the mundane, together. sometimes, we trip each other up. sometimes, we help each other up. but always, always, we do the best we can.

i do not know how it all works out. if my parental experimentation will result in goodness, but i trust that my heart knows what is to be done. and regularly does it. i trust that her heart is wise, and have many times seen it to be far wiser than mine. so i trust her, i trust with her. and together, we face what comes next.