belly

so it's decided, and while one stoneworker is going to do five stoneworks for her culminating study, i'm inclined to do five dances. but maybe just a couple, and some other works. i had so much i wanted to accomplish this semester but it really is truncated, especially since i'm culminating, and i have to respect the limited time available.

my explorations will be resultant of the dance i'll be developing over the course of the semester. the feminine aspect, something i've been working my way toward exploring for a great while. time to just put my head down and work hard.

my girl informs me they are going to make a home for all the homeless roly polys in the yard. which makes me smile. kids should be about dealing with the profound housing issues of the roly poly.

so now, half asleep (i have decided i don't like being waken up for any reason. there is no good reason to wake a person up, particularly if that person is me), i have to fumble through the day and make the best of it.

feverish

there are these moments i want to sit like the feverish baby in my lap, sinking back into the arms that hold her. whichever way she rocks, i counterbalance and keep her planted. when she throws herself so far off center as to fall (not from my lap, but just in her general meanderings), i am there to reach out and smile, to kiss the cheeks wet with tears, and comfort the little one who has fallen on hard times.

or a hard moment. these babies move so fast from crying to laughing, i wonder at the sight of it all.

the little one i felt most connected to last time has mastered the pout, she pooches out her little top lip and announces her displeasure with a great downcast look. and the one responsible for the sadness, the drama, can only laugh and repent.

i'm sorry baby,

for whatever it is.

today, she had her little fingers looped through one of my earrings, and wanted to pull her hand free. i grabbed her chubby little arm and weaved her fingers out, to her great displeasure, and she bellowed at me a bit.

but i could not let her rip my earlobe, and she did not want to. she just didn't know any better.

how many earlobes have i ripped unwittingly.

and they crawl away now, to the kitchen where their momma washes dishes and makes things right.

we're both so wasted tired, we don't know how we'll manage one more day, but we will. a feverish baby doesn't help, because all she wants is holding, but since i am here to be all arms, and smiles and kisses, i don't mind the slower pace.

i'm tired though. hoping i get the prof i'm most comfortable with, the one who just today said she is glad i can see the difference between what i want to do and what i need to do for my final study.

i've decided to scrap my plans for another semester, and let the belly dance take me where it will. i had a vision some time back, during this past too short break, of my next collection of poetry, and it was themed around the dance. and all the explorations there.

i have just ordered a delicate pink pair of harem pants, and we'll see how it goes.

it can't rain always, or so i've been told.

i'm looking forward to the wonders this semester will reveal.

peace. out.

speak again

i like to get wet at the beach. i can't just sit there all dry and warm. i have to go in and up until today, it hasn't been such a rough and tumble experience. the waves at north beach were really strong.

they lured you farther out, and when you followed, the smack down.

so, i go out to find the break between the waves, which is when i usually dive down and get wet, then exeunt, before the smashage.

no such luck.

i came up, heart quivering after having been smacked but good by the very wave i thought would gentle me.

it didn't. then i return back to the towel and umbrella fortress we'd constructed for the babies, and baby love passed out on me. it was very sweet. she who does not nap abroad, napped on this broad. :D

and i'm ready for that which is mine to come to me.

my sister is subjecting me to some nashville show, yikes. i can't say i am enjoying it (i'm not, it sucks). but, given some time and the right environ, i could manage to muster some interest. maybe. maybe not. i can be unpredictable.

i do have to say that john rich guy talked real big about chosing the right person for goin' country, but then wimped out and chose iglesias. sigh. old news, i know. but it's all coming back to me because he's on the tube and my sis and i agree, he looks better in a cowboy hat than a baseball cap. (kind of country ghetto)

anyway, i must away.

to dream, perchance to sleep.

senioritis

so my semester just started, literally, this am. and i'm already bored with the preliminaries. tedious waste of time, i say. necesary, my school says. i should just go away and live my life, and i do try, but there are deadlines and requirements i must meet along the way which keeps those wanting to drift away, tethered.

i keep trying to remind myself this is a vacation, of sorts. and i need to do what i have to do, to honor that. it doesn't really seem possible though. and i wonder what to do, how to scrape out an inch of rest here.

and then i remind myself, it wasn't about rest, it was meant to help my sister, and i hope that i'm accomplishing that. i don't know.

i should go, wailing baby (they really are sweet, and i'm grateful to see them).

peace. out.

pouty babies

so i'm sitting down for a rare moment (usually, i'm lying on the floor with babies, reading board books or hauling someone for a diaper change or such), and what do i see in the tree above my kid, a hawk had flown into my sister's back yard and lighted in a tree. i saw it momentarily and rushed outside.

the hawk had lifted off to a line in an adjoining yard, and when he saw me coming out there to glimpse him closer, lifted off again, and circled back around to land in a tree in my sister's yard.

my girl got photos of him, looking at everything. he was a juvenile red tail and i was pleased to see him. it would not be possible to have gotten my attention at that point without entering the yard. i was happily installed on the couch.

it's been a nice visit, slowly passing and for that i'm grateful. we went down to the beach spontaneously when our gorgeous cousin called. and we hauled the babies and a whole troop of girls to the beach.

it was hot and the water was cool. we made it home just before major meltdowns and so far, we've had a peaceful coexistence. no major drama.

though the babies miss their daddy and don't really know why he's not here and i keep hanging about. hard to explain these things to infants. i'm glad to be here, no way my sis could have done this job herself for a week.

i'm trying to rest a bit more before my semester starts thursday. time sure flies.

but i'm grateful. for this peace, i'm grateful.

arms of love

so, i'm thinking i've got a good hour and a half at the phoenix airport, and since i like to waste no time, my dear friend from high school whom i haven't seen since i was fourteen or fifteen (we were just kids!), is going to meet me and my girl.

today she says,

you do realize you're flying in to terminal 2 and out of terminal 4?

uh, no. didn't even occur to me to look.

well, add in one terminal change and that equals no time for visiting. i'm bummed. i thought it would be a simple matter. but my dear friend is going to shuttle me and my girl to terminal 4 and walk us to security, we will relish whatever time we have together. and i'm so grateful.

i've always been blessed with exceptional friends. i don't know why.

i don't "deserve" it. it just happens, and i'm astounded by my friends all the time. on a regular basis. they are the most kind, decent, loving people. and it strikes me funny that they are saddled with me as a friend in return. i can be the most forgetful, selfish one in the whole bunch (and i think, on most occasions i am).

but, i'm grateful. friends are a gift you give yourself (a friend gave me a magnet that says this. it is very true).

they heal my soul. my scarred soul. and i am grateful beyond words.

so the long night has begun, it's 12:38 and i've got a mildly sore back from work. hauling garbage is tough (you'd be amazed at how heavy coffee grounds can be). and i don't make the boys do it, i figure, i'm strong. i can handle it. and so i do.

tonight the guy i had the kill someone conversation with came in. i saw him in the middle of the line and hollered,

hello excavator

(that's his profession).

last time he came in, i told him how i rifled through my mind to figure out when i told him i was a writer.

when you wanted me to bury someone for you.

he said.

and i smiled.

he's a very nice man.

anywhoo, i never remember people's names.

so, tonight i do. i call it out. a moment of clarity in an otherwise cloudy group of faces that pass through my day.

and when he makes it up to the register, he's got some tough new jersey broad on his arm, and she's not happy.

(can't imagine why)

anyway, i get their drinks, and he doesn't utter a word. funny how a man acts when his woman is strutting her stuff and feeling threatened.

so i go to take out the garbage, and i thought about not going my usual route, which is around the front of the store, because there he sat with his girl at his side. and i thought, no, i'm going to do what i normally do, because there was nothing wrong with my saying hello.

so i take out the trash, round the corner, and pass them by without saying a word. we have this handicapped ramp i had to walk up, and as i turn back toward them to enter the store, i catch a glimpse of her evil eye.

she was giving me ojos to scare the dead. (or make me dead, one of the two).

i guess, if i had gotten her vibe before i said hello, i may have taken another route. now, i'm just acting normal, and i can see she'd piss a circle around him if she could.

and it made me kind of laugh.

i've never been the jealous type. even when women were hitting on my husband right in front of me. because the bottom line is, what's mine will come to me. if it stays, that's fine. if it goes, so be it. nothing can be done about who goes where and with whom. i'm weird that way i guess.

i should probably leave off this topic now, as fraught with peril it is.

i'm all yoda at a quarter to one, what can i say.

it's late. i'm going to shower, load the luggage, and try to stay awake. maybe i'll watch a movie, but whatever i do, it won't be for long. today's journey has just begun, and that's a weird feeling.

peace out.

shows, shows, shows

well, my girl's first show will likely be august 16. (nothing in my life happens slow, that's just the way it is kids).

so when i return home, i have to rush around and find a jacket, and pants, stuff like that. (joy. just what i needed to do).

the thing about it is, last minute doesn't work for me. it drains so much energy trying to prepare for the sudden immenent occurrence, that i don't find it worth it, usually.

but, it's for my kid. and the saying goes, we will do anything for our children. and so i shall.

i won't even get to see her in the show, as i'll be working, most likely. unless by some miracle, it works out (but i think i'm scheduled that day all ready, so much for that).

but it is well. i see her ride all the time, and show's aren't my bag baby.

last night at work went well. i was decidedly calmer since i realized i need only to care less. to not try to be perfect. this is never possible. i understand that.

so, i took my time, focused on one thing at a time instead of running around like a chicken with its head cut off (a really awful image, i'm sure, if i ever saw a chicken with its head cut off).

but all is well. i'm actually not grim today, and i'm grateful. not sleeping tonight, so i have to prepare myself for that. stayed up really late to help tonight. and i'll come home, load the luggage (there is only a rolling carry on and our backpacks), shower, email some folx and likely write one last time before my vaca.

then, wake the fam at the ungodly hour of 3:30, and off we go.

that isn't so bad. i hope i don't snore like a buzzsaw on the plane. that would be bad. very bad.

peace.
out.