breath of God

i wasn't going to blog until deborah got back from her Write! Canada conference, because i think she is the only one who reads this.

but i am sitting here, tears streaming down my face and i thought i'd share this with you, since this is how i write, when i am moved. not when i "find" a market to write for.

i have a great many doubts about my work ever getting published. it is edgy, raw, passionate. kind of like my blog. maybe more like me than anything i've ever written. i debate on self-publishing all the time. i sit there and list the merits in my mind, i must admit TOTAL control over the product is huge on my list.

today i was asking God, so if i have a lame cover and just produce the thing, can you bless it?

of course He can.

then i get an email from a new friend who has seen a sample of this piece i am compiling. as i am reading her words, i am seeing glimmers of my own. at the end, she told me God has been using my words to speak to her.

astounding. humbling. thank You God.

all i want to do is catch the breath of God on a page. then i realize, i want to catch the breaDth of God on a page as well. He is unmanagable. He is uncageable. He is more than i can think or comprehend, so how can i ever accomplish this? in bits and pieces i hope.

i wrote back to my friend and said. "He is a furniture rearranger." it was weird. but so am i. so i left it. and pushes send. all my doubts about my weirdness plagued my mind at that moment.

then she emailed back, i used those very words in praying to God years ago.

coincidence? or God?

i do not feel so yielded, so given over to God that He makes me write the things i do, but i pray every day to yield more. to listen more. to give myself over to Him more. in these moments, when He speaks to His child through me, i hope again.

who knows what tomorrow holds. but if obscurity is it for me, may it be a yielded, God praising obscurity. may i pen the words He gives me and send them to those He wants to read them.

the rest will take care of itself. i serve a big God and catching His breath on a page is all i ever want to do. may i comprehend and begin to catch His breadth as well.