Wednesday, June 23, 2004

cOUrUge

the other night i cried myself to sleep. the only thing that calmed me down was a breath prayer, i trust You, have mercy on me. i trust You, have mercy on me. and finally my heart stopped feeling like it was going to fly out of my chest and i fell asleep.

deb says i am on the verge of a breakthrough.

breakdown?

breakthrough.

so i keep on. i keep hoping today i'll have courage to face my fears and doubts of never being cba fare.

of never making a penny at what i love to do.

but i wouldn't be alone in that. van gogh is there with me. many others whose names and stories now escape me are there with me. you get the idea.

so i awoke after a very sound sleep, i always sleep well, praise God. and my beautiful apache girl hands me a card.

"here mom, a late mother's day card."

the cover read

cOUrUge
Ren
ee.
J.D.


i opened the card and moses popped up.
flanked by red tissue paper, the red sea.

"yes. baby. thank you."

i simply need courage.

i hadn't planned on putting a poem in here, but i will. for whatever courage looks like in your life. here it is:

Joshua 1:9


is this courage?
this lip quivering
hand trembling
tear streaked
obedience
is this courage?
this knee knocking
tentative stepping
recklessness
is this courage?
this mind numbing
faith stretching
uncertainty
is this courage?



may your courage be much. may your strength be unfailing. may your God be almighty.

3 comments:

Unknown said...

This post and poem warmed my heart this morning.

I say---keep on doing what you love to do--God will take care of your finances. You are publishing here and attracting those who are blessed by what you give freely. Keep on doing what you love to do and God will refine you as you refine your art.

Publication is not the be all and end all. Nor does a big advance indicate the value of your art in eternity's scheme.

And yeah, from my experience, courage does look like that. It's only after those shaky-kneed steps that God's grace kicks in.

Reflect4Him said...

I'll second what Deborah said. More important than what men (or women) think of my writing is to know that when I am face to face with my God, I'll hear Him say, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant." What joy will fill our hearts on that day!

I was part of a ministry team going into a women's prison last April. I gave a prepared meditation with a personal testimony that related to the primary topic, "Forgiveness of Others." There were probably 48 inmates and probably 20 women from our team. As the time neared for me to go up to the podium, my heart was thumping and I felt that sensation of pure terror all over my body.

Somehow, I managed to get through the whole thing, only stumbling on my words a couple of times. Afterward, everyone told me they wouldn't have known I was terrified unless I had told them.

Even though I didn't feel the "annointing" from God, I feel it was by His ability and strength I was able to keep from fainting behind that podium.

siouxsiepoet said...

let me clarify something i wrote, it is not cba that i am weeping over. it is a mourning of my "percieved" accomplishment of what the Lord has given me to do that i am struggling with. God can use me, even if i never get the holy grail of a cba book with my name on it. i don't care about that anymore, but i do have to trust completely that the Lord God almighty will use my mouth and pen and blog to do what He would have it do. i mourn to release my expectation and fear, not perceived loss of sales or status. i am happy being obscure offending no one and everyone at the same time.