fell into place

first a rant, then a poem.

was watching a show last night on A&E, called millionheirs. you can guess the subject matter.

carly simon and james taylor's son, i forget the guy's name, is talking about how he got into the music business. the voice overlay says, then all the pieces "fell into place" and relays the story of how carly and james invite their famous friends, to a "coming out" party of sorts for their musician son. the famous friends invite their famous friends, record executives among them. (insert eye roll here).

to make a long story short (too late), the deal falls through and the ben taylor band has to start from scratch like the rest of us (but not really, because he still has famous musicians for parents and can still produce his own music). when i stopped watching carly was talking about how her son was depressed and hating himself for about a year (mind you, he got the contract on his FIRST performance) what does this kid have to be complaining about? sure it fell through, but he got a chance of a lifetime (for us regular joes).

i am not one who evokes the f-word at will. life is simply not fair. so i turned off the tv disgusted and went to bed.

my husband worked today, praise God, first time in over a month that he's had someone pay him to labor. my seven year old and i have begun sorting through our things to part with whatever we can (again!).

the good news is, my hubby has a phone interview tomorrow morning. but we've been down this road of dashed hopes so many times before, i cannot tell you how hard it is to keep from getting excited at the prospect of a job. last time the job fell through my hopes were dashed and i didn't even get them up. so that means, they are going into deficit. i'm deficit spending in the hopes department folks. and, well, i just don't know what to say about that. here is a poem i just wrote about ten minutes ago.

there are these moments,
when i know
i am not strong
these moments when
my weakness
prevails.
there are these moments
like now
when i struggle
just to make it
through this moment
and wonder
why it matters.
there are moments
when i weep
unrestrained
moments when i sit
wordless
tearless
comfortless
wondering
wondering when
these moments
will pass.