the grinch returns!

last year i was so upset after christmas, so fed up with my own ungrateful heart that i proclaimed a revolution.

one friend said, that is so violent.

yes, i said and smiled, i wanted to throw down anything that got between me and God. to find Him. to go higher.

i can honestly say i don't know if i've gone higher. for all my brave words and talk of revolution, i do not know if i have ascended one mole hill above where i was last year.

i have a few friends who can tell me. but they will be gracious and i will say thank you and wonder.

my mom and sister will tell me. but they too will be gracious and i will say thanks. and still wonder.

this is not about not receiveing compliments, this is about wanting some tangible, undeniable proof that i have come up higher. that i have come to know the heart of God better. do i? really?

can you ever know if you've got a better handle on the inscrutable God, the unsearchable One, the Sovereign King. or is it when you've lost the ability to handle Him, which, admittedly, this year i have done. i've turned Him loose and watched Him run.

He is shadowfax who has ever and always been my ally and carried me through many dangers. His running is poetry. it is right.

this year, until two days ago when my mom sent us a package of gifts there was only two things under the tree, a candle my daughter made for me at girl scouts and a small package sent by my dear missionary friends.

i am asking myself, why is this bothering me? this is right. christmas isn't about gifts and presents. it isn't about shopping. although everyone everywhere seems to think so. i turned on the weather channel to get the weather report and twice within the first thirty seconds on that channel, they asked about or mentioned christmas shopping.

christmas is a marketing conspiracy and i don't know how to get around that. our whole culture is steeped in it. and i can't find Jesus in any of it. the kids did a nice little play and sang songs about Jesus' birth, but the weeks of preparation were frustrating and i dreaded going to deal with "those kids." i was relieved when it was over (how Christlike of me).

last year i decided if i never celebrated christmas again, i would be happy. but my seven year old decorated this year, and i sit in the glowing, flashing lights wondering, what the heck does this have to do with the birth of Christ Jesus my beloved Saviour? what?

i can't figure it out. i can't find Jesus in it all and it breaks my heart. the fact that i felt better when there was more than two things under our tree breaks my heart. i've come to understand my frame is but dust this year. i've come to understand my humanity. but it doesn't make it any easier.

and why are christians so opposed to saying happy holidays? to me, i would say: happy holYdays. these are supposed to be holy days, aren't they? i think that would mean more to me than merry christmas ever did.

have holy days friends, consider Jesus. tell me how to find Him again, i feel trapped in a season that is a marketing consipracy and i don't want to play anymore. i just want Jesus. i just want to go higher.

may you find Him as well.