spent

i'm utterly wiped, but my mind is spinning. i'm so tired, i can't even rest yet. tomorrow, i'm sure i'll sleep all day. how unproductive, but forty-five plus hours, seven days in a row is too much. what can be done? not sure. i'm supporting myself here. it is how it has to be, i guess.

i just hope i can pull my shit together for this next packet.

poems i have to write. papers to write. and i need some rest.

i wonder if this isn't beyond me, but then i remind myself, you are not the first person to have done this. no the first person to have done work and school and family simulatneously.

we'll see if i'm right.

again she rides...

there was some reason, unknown to me, my horseloving daughter wanted nothing to do with riding lessons. i did not openly object to her, but discussed it with her instructor, and agreed that while she may not want to ride, it is best to keep her around horses. she loves them. she wants a future with them. why the aversion to riding? i don't know.

today was our first saturday at the barn. her favorite horse was being led out to the arena by someone else. she went to visit her other favorite horse, and we heard about a cancellation in the instructor's schedule.

i'd had the idea that perhaps even if they weren't formal lessons, my girl could just tack up and ride her favorite horse just for fun. why not? who says lessons have to be all seriousness. can't they just be fun?

so, my girl is leading the other horse to the barn for a wash and i suggest to her she ride her favorite horse but not for a lesson.

she says,

sure. sounds good.

and i ask the instructor if it can go down that way. she was grateful, a cancellation is no bueno for her.

so, we get an hour riding time, and let it begin with me up in the barn mucking stalls. and when i finally wind my way down to the arena, my girl is looking like she's having a blast.

when she had tacked up barney, she looked at him with this grin that was what i was waiting for. it was this relief, satisifaction type of look that i hadn't seen in quite some time.

she rode, and i took pictures, ever the dutiful mom (actually, i was just goofing around with my new phone and it works really well. i should upload those photos, but i'm too tired. maybe later).

so, she's riding again.

what a relief. i told her instructor,

i knew she wasn't done, but she had to know she wasn't done.

.
her instructor smiled and said,

i thought she'd need some time to get her sea legs back, but look at her, she's like an old pro.

.
my girl has aged. matured. three years have passed since she started riding. she looked like an older girl. it was nice to see. i'm grateful to have seen it.

all this fun, and i was a half hour late to work. my bad. too much fun with the horsies.

ah well...

ssshhhhhhh

do i do everything right? no. but then, no one does. i will be the first to admit i'm wrong. i will take responsibility for things i've said and done. and to make this point, i told the boss today what went down with the guy i went all six armed on.

she just listened and said i was right. i told her the unflattering parts too. the parts where i'm yelling at him on the floor, and he's yelling back. which isn't really supposed to happen on the floor. the parts where i told him i wasn't going to bitch him out to the boss, because that's what he'd done to me. i told her all of it. i have nothing to hide.

and one of my co workers came up to me when i told her i let the boss know.

you understand the problem, right?

i still don't think i'm wrong,

i said.

but you understand how it can be a problem?

that i confront?

yes.

that is not my problem. that our store thrives on drama is not my affair. until people are held accountable for their actions and their words, nothing-- hear me-- no thing will change.

i'm tired of being the accountability committee. but that is my role here.

so, my being called in for a full shift on my day off was fortuitous. i got to tell the boss the whole story myself. she asked my opinion on several things coming up. and we were able to touch bases.

would i turn my back on her for a second, hell no.

should she turn her back on me? sure.

i will stab you in the front if i'm going to take you down, best to look me in the eye, gauge my intentions and honesty that way. i'm very much what you see is what you get.

and that is one of my shortcomings. so today when the two ladies who spend all their time yaking were making it known to me that my demands are essentially insufferable, i just fact of the matter said,

listen, i'm always left alone with one person. that is how it is. and people wonder why i get angry.

it's been a long time coming since i got really pissed off. it was due. am i perfect, no. do i need to change, sure, but that will happen over time (or it won't. i think i'm kind of set in my ways). but my behaviour is no worse than anyone else's. my behaviour somehow becomes the fodder of the gossips. one guy said to me,

your'e an easy target.

why do you say that?

because you're emotional.

which is true. so fucking true it hurts. so if i can curb the emotion (which i can't, poet, hello!) i would be so much better, or would i?

but i'm never going to creep around the store hoping she doesn't hear what i just did. i'm going to walk right up to her and tell her, because i am doing her job at this point. she should have had those conversations. held those people accountable. and i'm tired. just plain tired.

but my shifts will change with all the upheaval in the store and i'll be more mids and opens soon. huzzah!

so not a 9

so, i tried to pour my slendering ass into a size 9 jeans, juniors size 9, mind you. no way. noooooo way. couldn't even get them over my abundant hips. i'll have to be content to be an 11. so be it. but i had to laugh at the thought that i could fit in those hot pink elizabeth tripp jeans. they were horribly tacky, and i only didn't get them because there was no chance in hell i'll fit them any time soon. but i'll be glad when i do. i got another pair of skinny jeans, stonewashed. too snug to be comfy just yet, but i'm will be in them soon. thanks to pilates.

i did also pick up a tripp black halter that matches (exactly) the tripp jacket i got not a few months ago on a whim. seems my halloween costume has come together all its own. i'll be some devil. my girl's idea. but i need six arms to get this halter on. it's more a corset than a halter, it has a collar and a complicated closure, which will require assistance. i got it far enough on in the dressing room to know it fits. i'll take it with me to my best friend's house and she'll cinch me in. then, i'll have my girl do it on halloween.

i'm going to make my kid a costume this year. we have some great ideas and i hope it all comes together. it should be fun, and i have some doesuede that i didn't use on my belly dance outfit that i'll supplement her costume with. she will be more in black than she likes, but i'll just have to find some complimentary happy colors for her. that and snakes.

don't ask. but i'll take a picture when we figure out how we're going to make it happen. it should be a lot of fun. i can't imagine how i'm going to get her ready for school that friday morning. it is a bit of a labor intensive outfit. (the hairdo anyway).

for my belly dance outfit, i've decided to scrap the armbands idea and go with some punker safetypin strappy things that i've been considering. it may look tacky unless i do it right. dominatrix here i come.

peace kids. keep your six arms flailing.

little lady

i may be short but i'll kick your ass,

was my mantra today. i was on the rampage, shall we say.

i could take someone's head off today,

i told a friend.

and there was only one guy who i wanted to part head from shoulders. the same guy who was towering over me and i was looking up at him not backing down. tallness doesn't intimidate me. neither does sex.

if you can't tow the line, get the hell out of the way.

i've got to be more gentile some would say, but i don't really know how. will it bite me in the ass? perhaps. i've been pushed too much and i'm just flat out tired of it.

pushing back. sword circling overhead.

no one likes a strong woman. that's the bottom line. no one likes a bitch. but, somedays, being a bitch is all a girl can depend on.

today was one of those days.

whatever. it is what it is.

i put on a pair of snug jeans (something wonderful about tight jeans. that's why i won't give them up). and i feel refreshed.

still tired, but at least cinched in. (which is a curious thing to admit). i guess it feels like being held, maybe that's why i like them.

when a woman sheds her power, beware. the fall out is great. tribal men know this. they stay away and women stay away from them.

it would serve men well to reckon the times a woman sheds her power.

be wary. zits are a sign, at least for me. i have more trouble with that than when i was a teen. go figure.

quittintime

i'm finally quitting my gym. i can't fucking stand it anymore. i've not been going as faithfully as i should, and believe me, there are plenty of other ways i can get a workout. just so over it. same damn circuit for years on end. no thank you.

so, my kid and i are butting heads. we're kind of champs at it. some part of me wants to not take her binder to school (since the one i have found has nothing in it, why bother?)

and isn't there a responsibility lesson to be learned here? or am i just being a bitch. i who always tell her before we go to bed,

get your shit together tonight.

i'll do it in the morning.

which is a fine plan, provided you set your alarm and turn it on. yes, she overslept this morning. how that becomes my issue, i don't know. but that kid was going to make it to the school bus if it was the last thing i saw happen. so she's grabbing shit as she's walking out the door (because my simple, get your shit together tonight is too easy to listen to).

then i get a call while i'm at the gym,

mom, i forgot...

how is this my problem? and the binder i find at our place literally has one paper in it that has writing. the rest of it is blank and the folders are empty.

seems a waste of my time to drive over there and deliver an empty binder.

and why are their backpacks so heavy anyway if these kids are lugging around empty binders? they have to carry entirely too much shit.

i'm tired, i think. it's my day off. i'm going to spend it with a friend. we'll work on our belly dance outfits. i'll try on everything i've got for her. she's convinced my wearing a thong is tacky. but i keep saying,

i don't want granny panties sticking out.

she seems to think i should have something covering my upper thigh region, but i am not of that opinion. i think, the less the better, i will be fully covered, but not seeing something is better than seeing a hint of something.

these are my dilemmas.

i need to work in a pedicure today too. some pampering would do my soul good. yes, it would.

must away. i've an empty binder to not deliver.

six armed and dangerous

i got my second packet back from my prof. she loved my poems, which is nice. there are some that need work, and i may just do it. but then again, being me, i may not.

i'm glad she's getting me. she's feeling me. that helps.

spent the better part of yesterday getting my belly dance outfit together. as we're shopping, i'm thinking about the pieces i have in my closet and what i can do to augment those pieces.

my friend says,

you can go dominatrix with this or tribal?

maybe both,

i say with a smile.

working a fishnet top into an outfit is not so easy as it might seem. but i like the look i've pulled together and i keep thinking of things i've got that can go with it. jewelry and such.

i'm loving the sheer harem pants. they are exactly what i needed. i'm actually fully covered, wearing more clothes than you'd think, but they are either fishnet or sheer. so, there you have it.

and at work, i'm flailing arms and getting everything donemostly alone. no one wants to work, but i keep trying. and sadly, i hardly care. i do the best i can, but it's tough swimming up stream all the time.

ms. stress

honesty is the kind of mistress that can bite you in the ass, or kiss you wet and deep and you don't know which it will be until it happens. but she won't abide unfaithfulness, the truth is the truth, bottom line.

sometimes it feels like there are shades of truth.
we can agree that sometimes it's easier to let truth go unsaid.
but it's never easier to speak the truth at all times.

it's tough.

and so, just the other day at work one guy said to me,

for all the complaining we do, no one says anything to corporate about our boss.

but i did.

today i go deal with the fallout. i'm sure, absolutely positive she knows and will be scrambling. trouble is, i don't yet know who my allies are. if there are any.

sure the corporate line is, we support you, but do they really if they've overlooked this for the past two years?

perhaps they'll just transfer me out of the store, that is what happened to the last two people who complained about this exact same thing.

but then again, maybe something will happen. i don't know.

but i saw my girl on the bus, went and worked out. i was up at 3:30 this morning, i think just overthinking everything. it's a lot of responsibility, one little girl. i want her to succeed. i want her to do well. i can't be anyone else but me, and that is sometimes tough for her, i know it. hell, it's tough for me.

but, on the diversionary side, i booked my ticket, room, and car for arizona. and i'm going. come hell or high water, i'm there.

now to choreograph the dance. to prepare for my first public performance. it's got to happen sometime. i just hope i can do it as well as i want to. i've got the moves, have to put my look together, it's a bit scattershot at the moment. i have this and that i've been carrying around for just such an occasion.

i'm trying to decide whether or not to get some sheer harem (or genie) pants with slits down the sides (which i like very much), or to work in some yoga pants i have which are opaque. the harem pants are sheer, but i have layers to put over them, so it will be fine. it's just a question of how much leg to show.

the answer: a lot.

guess i'm getting the harem pants. friday. i'll be able to get them and figure out what to do with the rest of my outfit.

poquito por poquito mija.

yes, gramsy. yes.

farmlife

turned in my second paper a day early after not writing a single word until that night. i had, however, written the required number of poems along the way from packet one to packet two. so, those were transcribed and ready to go (or i did them then, i can't recall). either way, it got down to the wire for me, and i knew i would pull it out, i just had to trust myself.

that's hard to do when you're crazy busy and have a work schedule that seems to dominate your life. i closed, did an early mid, then closed the day my paper was due, which afforded me no time--none--to get anything done. i've been working six days, one day off, three days, one day off, six days, one day off for some time now and i'm wiped. i really need two consecutive days off in a row.

but the kiddo starts school tomorrow, which will be a whole new dynamic. i've got her in an afterschool program so she can have some kind of routine aside from my erratic whirling her about time and space.

so she'll be accounted for most of the day and evening m-f. the weekends will be tough, but it will work out. i think my boss is going to try to schedule me more weekdays, which will totally screw up my plan to write while the child is at school, but i must do what i must do, and trust the muse to come when i need her.

we went to the farm on friday. it was a wonderful day. mucking stalls, scratching giant heads and manes. getting reacquainted. we'll be helping out once a week again, and i'm so grateful.

to just pop back into the lives of these horses and have the instructor say,

suzanne can you go bring bitty in from the paddock?

and off i go, to retrieve the fat little welsh pony so she doesn't eat too much in the field. she's quick of foot, so i had to keep her head up while we returned to the barn. usually, i let her have some say in where we go and how we get there, but the terrain is tricky for a two footed, and she had the upper hand (always has) where strength is concerned, so it was more a matter of directing her firmly so she'd know i wasn't fucking around.

i hate domineering any of them though. they remind me to be gentle, but firm. the delicate balance i so often lose touch with. especially when i'm just trying to get shit done at work and all i want to do is scream,

just do your fucking job!

but, i don't. i remain calm. i try to reason with the unreasonable which presents itself on a regular basis. but i can't. so i have stopped trying. i'm in a dead end job in a go nowhere company, that's how i see it now. i will bide my time until i move out on my way to teaching. just two years or so more. that's not forever.

and who knows. maybe something will change before then. maybe the sky will fall. maybe i'll grow wings and fly far far away. maybe, the six armed woman will exact her vengeance and i'll get promoted after all.

who knows what can happen. it's a mystery.