ssshhhhhhh

do i do everything right? no. but then, no one does. i will be the first to admit i'm wrong. i will take responsibility for things i've said and done. and to make this point, i told the boss today what went down with the guy i went all six armed on.

she just listened and said i was right. i told her the unflattering parts too. the parts where i'm yelling at him on the floor, and he's yelling back. which isn't really supposed to happen on the floor. the parts where i told him i wasn't going to bitch him out to the boss, because that's what he'd done to me. i told her all of it. i have nothing to hide.

and one of my co workers came up to me when i told her i let the boss know.

you understand the problem, right?

i still don't think i'm wrong,

i said.

but you understand how it can be a problem?

that i confront?

yes.

that is not my problem. that our store thrives on drama is not my affair. until people are held accountable for their actions and their words, nothing-- hear me-- no thing will change.

i'm tired of being the accountability committee. but that is my role here.

so, my being called in for a full shift on my day off was fortuitous. i got to tell the boss the whole story myself. she asked my opinion on several things coming up. and we were able to touch bases.

would i turn my back on her for a second, hell no.

should she turn her back on me? sure.

i will stab you in the front if i'm going to take you down, best to look me in the eye, gauge my intentions and honesty that way. i'm very much what you see is what you get.

and that is one of my shortcomings. so today when the two ladies who spend all their time yaking were making it known to me that my demands are essentially insufferable, i just fact of the matter said,

listen, i'm always left alone with one person. that is how it is. and people wonder why i get angry.

it's been a long time coming since i got really pissed off. it was due. am i perfect, no. do i need to change, sure, but that will happen over time (or it won't. i think i'm kind of set in my ways). but my behaviour is no worse than anyone else's. my behaviour somehow becomes the fodder of the gossips. one guy said to me,

your'e an easy target.

why do you say that?

because you're emotional.

which is true. so fucking true it hurts. so if i can curb the emotion (which i can't, poet, hello!) i would be so much better, or would i?

but i'm never going to creep around the store hoping she doesn't hear what i just did. i'm going to walk right up to her and tell her, because i am doing her job at this point. she should have had those conversations. held those people accountable. and i'm tired. just plain tired.

but my shifts will change with all the upheaval in the store and i'll be more mids and opens soon. huzzah!