farmlife

turned in my second paper a day early after not writing a single word until that night. i had, however, written the required number of poems along the way from packet one to packet two. so, those were transcribed and ready to go (or i did them then, i can't recall). either way, it got down to the wire for me, and i knew i would pull it out, i just had to trust myself.

that's hard to do when you're crazy busy and have a work schedule that seems to dominate your life. i closed, did an early mid, then closed the day my paper was due, which afforded me no time--none--to get anything done. i've been working six days, one day off, three days, one day off, six days, one day off for some time now and i'm wiped. i really need two consecutive days off in a row.

but the kiddo starts school tomorrow, which will be a whole new dynamic. i've got her in an afterschool program so she can have some kind of routine aside from my erratic whirling her about time and space.

so she'll be accounted for most of the day and evening m-f. the weekends will be tough, but it will work out. i think my boss is going to try to schedule me more weekdays, which will totally screw up my plan to write while the child is at school, but i must do what i must do, and trust the muse to come when i need her.

we went to the farm on friday. it was a wonderful day. mucking stalls, scratching giant heads and manes. getting reacquainted. we'll be helping out once a week again, and i'm so grateful.

to just pop back into the lives of these horses and have the instructor say,

suzanne can you go bring bitty in from the paddock?

and off i go, to retrieve the fat little welsh pony so she doesn't eat too much in the field. she's quick of foot, so i had to keep her head up while we returned to the barn. usually, i let her have some say in where we go and how we get there, but the terrain is tricky for a two footed, and she had the upper hand (always has) where strength is concerned, so it was more a matter of directing her firmly so she'd know i wasn't fucking around.

i hate domineering any of them though. they remind me to be gentle, but firm. the delicate balance i so often lose touch with. especially when i'm just trying to get shit done at work and all i want to do is scream,

just do your fucking job!

but, i don't. i remain calm. i try to reason with the unreasonable which presents itself on a regular basis. but i can't. so i have stopped trying. i'm in a dead end job in a go nowhere company, that's how i see it now. i will bide my time until i move out on my way to teaching. just two years or so more. that's not forever.

and who knows. maybe something will change before then. maybe the sky will fall. maybe i'll grow wings and fly far far away. maybe, the six armed woman will exact her vengeance and i'll get promoted after all.

who knows what can happen. it's a mystery.