brave facades

i have tried, every way i know how, to exude strength. to own my power. to be a reactor--nuclear, mostly. at least it's how i feel. but there is some part of me that is still tied to things long gone. to dreams dead and all but buried. and those things must end. i know they must. it is time.

i just wrote a huge poem for my journey. the goodbye.

now the balloon sails out of grasp and i must let it go, not wishing it return, but looking away, ultimately, before it fades from view. i must let go. i must.

i've been stuck for so long in what was, what could have been, that i have foregone living. i have not wanted life.

but i want it now.

so, while the memory is still fresh, i say it again. goodbye. thank you.

for everything you have been to me. for everything that never was but was so beautiful and lifegiving. for everything i am now, largely because you asked me what i wanted.

there is a debt here i cannot repay. i don't even try.

i know living is what you wanted most for me, and so i shall.

tearfully, joyfully, willingly, i shall.