six armed again

just finished perhaps one of the most powerful conversations of my life. not only because it is what i want, but because i could feel the power of it. the presence. that matters to me. no, i may not get my way, but what must be will be. that which is mine will come to me, i believe this.

i limped onto campus and drug myself around trying to smile, but there isn't much, wasn't much to smile about. not that i'm upset or angry, just off somehow.

a friend said to me,

i'm helping reattach your arm.

which made me smile. the six armed again.

and today, in this conversation, that conversation arose.

how does she evolve?

how do i evolve?

sometimes, i think when i talk about myself as poetry, this seems somehow contrived. or at least it would appear to be the case. but it was nice to be heard and understood by someone who appreciates my work. who understands what i'm doing. who is wanting to help me evolve.

there is so much to say. but i am, in a sense, humbled and overwhelmed by the experience.

how does trust diminish?

it doesn't.

i said,

because i don't trust but a few people and once they have it, they have it.

that's the thing. i am very, highly selective about who and where i entrust myself. but when it's done, it's done. is it always right, usually. very few times have i been proven wrong.

this perplexes my best friend,

you seem to know who to trust.

i just wait for the right people to come along.

and they do. they always do. because i don't think we're bouncing along inconsequentially in this life. while i no longer attach the meanings i once attributed to it all, i do believe there are reasons for what happens.

trust is essential.

do you trust?

no. what do you trust?

i just trust. it's not focused on any person place or thing, it is just an attribute of my being. i trust.

how does this trust land on the right spot, the right person, the right moment?

i don't know.

it's a mystery. i'm still trying to figure it all out.

i don't need to see where the road ends,

i told her,

i just need the next step. i have the next step. and to get to that step, i have to finish the work of this one. and i will finish it, i said, because i'm a hard headed determined woman.

i can't explain it, but it was nice to be asked, to be considered for all that i am. to have someone sit with me and say,

tell me about your process

and not judge it, to ask clarifying questions and lead me down a path that demonstrates the how and why of what i do. i have been trying for a great while to articulate the how of what i do, but i'm just so familiar with it that i hardly have the words.

i will do whatever you tell me to do,

i told her before we left.

it's not up to me, ultimately.

i know, but know, that exhaustion is conspiring to make me a very willing student. i need someone hard on the rudder.

i have been forewarned by another student to be careful what i ask for, but, this is the task before me. i understand there are a set of tools for me to lay hold of, that this program is about equipping writers, broadening their base, as it were.

i want to evolve.

i'm ready for whatever comes. however hard it is. i will do it.