severed arms

i have thought to cut it off, to let it go, the one that holds you to me. clings to you. you have warned me. i've bent it around in my mind, studied it from every angle, and i don't fear pain. that's my problem. i've been through so much of it in my life, that i value experience and people to a fault.

i have to reconfigure my thinking though. i can't be completely open any longer if you believe the things you said to me. i guess that's what i need to know. do you actually believe what you said? if you do, that's the answer. i have never entrusted myself to those who doubt me, and i won't start now. i can't.

so i will continue to believe my instinct is right, my gut is true, and it will tell me what course to take. as yet, i'm still undecided.

why does it matter?

pain comes to us all. sorrow knows me by my first name. and i have lived, thrived in the midst of it.

do i want that kind of challenge now?

not really. i'm tired. i want to rest. i want to shelter. but that doesn't mean i do so exclusively, or that those who are my greatest allies will not cause me pain.

perhaps that is where i'm wrong. perhaps you are not among my greatest allies, but that will reveal itself in time.

i can't know from this moment what the future holds. i've never professed foresight. i can only know, i'm not afraid of you. i have not been hurt by you. i don't mind standing up to you, and gathering up your scattered selves. i have done it for many other souls, and they have repaid that kindness. what makes this any different?

am i a fool? yes, but that goes without saying.

do i trust? the answer i keep coming to, for the moment, is yes.

the moment is all i know. the moment is all i understand (if that).

so, i will not sever the arm that holds you, i will not maul myself to keep from some future pain. i will be the fool i am, have always been and trust.