Wednesday, July 28, 2010

safety here

i've compromised my own safety, no one did that to me, i did that to myself. now i have to figure out where to go, what to do with it all. how to proceed given my new self imposed constraints. i don't do well constrained. so, part of me says, fuck it, just do what you do. let the chips fall where they may. and i'm trying so hard to be nice. it really requires a vast amount of effort for me to just smile sometimes (granted, there are those who get the gentle, soft, cuddly suzanne, but those are the few, the rare, the chosen). everyone else gets the hedgehog, or porcupine might be better.

all i know is i don't know where to go or what to do now. constraints confound me.

while i understand i can chew the cud to nothing then regurgitate it and chew it some more. this process i understand, it is part and parcel of who i am.

what i don't understand is how someone like me makes it in a world where politeness is the rule. granted, i don't throw tantrums (my closest friends get that), but i can stay pretty well composed in most situations. but sometimes, i wonder how i'll get anywhere. baffled. my own fault. but i am who i am.

so where to go from here. what to do with who i am. my very bent is this way.

i keep trusting it will be well. in part because there is not a whole hell of a lot else i can do. sure i can wring my hands but that has never been an activity i much engage in. rather, i get active and do something about it. if the context can't change perspective can. there's lots of room to shift focus. to feel around the elephant and describe some other part.

i can do this. i know i can. these trials are not bigger than me. my will is strong. my stubbornness serves me well.

but i'm tired. i'm busy. i'm trying to be positive but finding there are variables i can't control.

i tell my friends,
control what you can. yourself alone.

i need to take my own advice. but sometimes i'm trapped in my head and when i've offered up my venting space, well, i've screwed myself in ways unimaginable. only now am i realizing it. the problem of lack of foresight is not knowing where you're headed.

likely, this is all hormonal (easy to chalk it up to that), but i want to grow beyond this. to evolve.

that can only happen if i'm gentle with myself and those around me. i have found lashing out helps no one.

i keep trying to change my life, and i trust that i have. that things will continue to come up, but i am equipped to handle them.

i am safe here. in my home. in my head. in my heart. here is my land and country, and no one has constraining power over me here. not even myself.

there is some comfort in that fact.

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