Friday, November 19, 2010

finding time

i think i have approached this whole thing wrong. but there is always time to start again. and so today, i begin again. i will try to focus afresh and chart my course. no point wasting this downtime with fevered dreams. i've been tired but feel much better. my child is happy and that is all that i really can ask for. the rest is up to me. it always has been. what do i want to accomplish.

i've got a running list. some things have to be there. but i'm trying to remember the things i let fall along the way. the things that mattered to me but i haven't had time. mostly, i find that in friends. those who remind me of who i am. i have heard myself laugh more in the past year than i have in the past decade. i like that change. it bodes well for the future. laughter heals.

that's really the bottom line. i'm being restored.

it's not only about the physical state, its about all of it. i am just discovering lost parts of me. not sure i've ever really known who i am. i've never doubted i would find me, but i always thought it would take something else. not this. never this.

so i abandon myself to the process of living. and laughing.
i remember how to nurture those i love, and find, i miss it.

there will come a day when my real life, my work life, makes this nurturing possible.
that i can be a mom and an editor. that i can be a mom and a poet.

for now, i'm just learning to define what i truly want. what i need.
the language doesn't exist in some cases, so i go with a color of feeling.

and trust.

always trust.

in what,
she asked.

in goodness.

fear and worry breed scarcity,
i told her.
gratitude creates abundance and peace.

i had two dollars in my checking account the other night. i went to bed, grateful for that two dollars. certain it would be well. i chose to trust what i need will be there when i need it. in the frosty morning, i went to start my car to drive my girl to the bus stop and it would not turn over.
start walking,
i told her. she took off for the bus stop.

i got my car running and made it to the car place where i also got the oil change i was right on schedule for (my pony is immensely considerate to wait to break down until i have time and money to deal with it).

so, we're good. the money arrived. the car is fixed. the kiddo made it to the bus on time.

that is all i know. i'm grateful. immensely grateful for every unravelling mystery. for even the unresolved that i will never comprehend.

but i trust that which is mine will come to me.

the help i need is on the way.

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