Friday, November 26, 2010

out of my mind

i have walked away from it, the best i can. but it's always there, in the back of my mind. what i want, what i want to do. and i know i can't just give up. it's not my style. i don't know how to quit. i just keep swinging. i'm tired and frustrated is all.

my sweetie is on her way to me, and that's a wonderful thing. sometimes, alone is good. i forget how much i like to be alone, but now, i've got lots of alone time. i'm becoming my erratic, anti-social self again. by holing up, i lose my social graces, whatever remnants remain.

and i asked her,
you said i don't like to meet new people right

she said,
i mentioned how when i first met you, you got up and walked out of the room during our conversation.

she's now my best friend. the closest person to me at this particular point in my life. and i didn't give her the time of day until i was ready to open myself up to her. but then we bonded, and it's been fun.

she tells me that
master's programs are brutal.
that she told me this two years ago when i was starting this whole process. and i just have to say,
yeah, yeah,
because she's always right.

you have way more freedom than i did,
she says.

but these constraints, any constraints for that matter, feel like they will be the death of me. but i'm going to will myself through this. i am genuinely baffled though. maybe, when i turn to it again, today or tomorrow, i will understand what i've missed in a way i can address.

i want to move forward. i want to work on my creative work next semester, and i'm just afraid i won't. but i won't let that stop me. i acknowledge that fear and determine to do whatever it takes to pass. my conscience is such a damn bully though, i have to stay true to it. that's not a bad thing.

now how to fix this paper. how to remedy this situation.

i look forward to successful resolution.

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