Wednesday, November 24, 2010

my best shot

the thing about it is, i've held true to myself this entire time. it's always been a problem. why should that change now? i don't know that any artist has it any easier, we get a vision, we pursue it. try to convey it to the world, and are met with misunderstanding at best. it's troubling, but that vision doesn't fade. through the years, if you pursue it, it will gain contour and form, become palpable and like a friend. one i cannot betray now.

so i'm resigning myself to what will be. i can let go of this damned degree if that is the case. i don't really care either way. i'm tired of this. i am just trying to do something with my life, but what does that mean. does it mean i've failed if i don't pass this semester. hardly. it means i haven't met a certain criteria, though i have worked as hard as ever to do so. i have not measured up. no surprise there. it is not their definition that matters to me. it is mine.

i guess the thing that sucks is that far lesser (and by even acknowledging that thought, my ego threatens to rage out of control) artists are able to do this, why can't i? why won't i? because that's what it comes down to. will i or won't i? am i consciously trying to fail, of course not. it's just how it is. i have never worked so hard on a thing to be told it was shit. but i understand, it is not my style, not my anything, it is just a criteria i have to meet. or no.

that's the thing. i am trying to figure out now, how to salvage this, and i just don't know. if you genuinely give something all you've got, your best shot and then are told you fucked it up, how do you fix that? how do you remedy your best (ill-conceived attempts though they may be, if it's my best work, it's my best work bottom line).

i just don't know. so i walk away from it for now and focus on the details that i must.
looking to my life to save me now. my deadlines and duties to distract me from this discouraging turn of events.

if it didn't matter so much i'd just let it go and say fuck it. but it's my work. my poetry here. and i have to keep trying. though, at the moment, i'm not exactly sure what that means. as i said, i gave it my best shot. what else is there?

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