Tuesday, November 23, 2010


well, my prof hates my paper. wonderful. where to go from here. i have to give it my best shot, and hope that is sufficient. i'm going to try to refrain from saying more than that because i am trying to be kind.

sometimes i wonder what this means, how can it be so off, so misconstrued. so confused. how can i miss the mark so completely.

what it feels like to me is this, i am a certain kind of writer, artist, poet. i am very color out of the lines. mix colors. play.

when i come into an academic arena, i want to meet criteria while also being true to myself.

at the moment, it feels very much like a pissing contest, and i hate those. so i will do my best to gut my paper of all offensive (to the academic mindset) stray coloring, and get this thing into the box the best i can.

will i succeed? i don't know. will i try my best, certainly. i've tried too hard for too long to let this one paper, this one professor stop me now.

it feels like it always feels, like it's personal. for me that's not a surprise because i am deeply invested in poetry. hell, it is who i am. i value nothing apart from it, and i regard nothing close to it. i have opinions, yes. but does that make them invalid because they are mine? i don't think so.

i always thought the purpose of education was to hone your voice. to be a truer you when you were done. to do your thing with panache.

now i'm finding, it's just about doing what your professor wants the way your professor wants it.

i never expected that this semester, particularly because of whom it is in question.

the bottom line is this, i'm being judged on personal criteria and hell, i bring it on myself. i am always putting myself out there. if i could stick to the strictures of prosody, if i could yammer on about how a poem means, i wouldn't be in this boat.

but i am in this boat.

i believe poetry is more than what the academics say. my bad for not being able to convey that convincingly yet, but not for lack of trying. if this is my last semester and my program ends here, so be it. but i will have done the best i could.

i genuinely thought i revised my paper to the best of my ability and was told i overrevised. HA how fucking hilarious is that. i'm not entirely sure what that means.

but i have one more stab at it, and won't go down without a fight.

i promise you that.

i don't just roll over, i don't know how.

the help i need is on the way.
i can do this, i will succeed. i know i can.

even if my professor doesn't agree.


Cindy said...

"Over revised. What ridiculous statement coming from someone who tells you revise, revise, revise. Give it one more shot, Suzanne, and if you fail, it's HER failure, not yours. Your paper may not yet be "perfect" but it's a worthy effort and a unique perspective, which it should be. Everyone should use colors outside of the lines, beyond the box...

siouxsiepoet said...

thanks cindy. i value your opinion. even if i don't pass, i know the work i did was valid and my best shot. i take pride in that.

it will be well.

we have much to talk about, let's not let this ruin the weekend. i can't wait to see you.