catlady

the whole deal for me right now is to get my stamina back up. i am strong. i am determined, but ten weeks with my foot up in the air took its toll on my stamina. i'm grateful for that time, i would not have been able to focus on my thesis had i not had it, but i am still getting tired. trying not to push it too far. though i had my boss ratchet down my hours significantly, you just can't go from no more than twenty minutes on my foot for ten weeks to eight hours standing and expect that to work out well. so now, baby shifts as much as possible. six hours, that is still a long time, but it's more manageable than eight. at least i don't feel like i'll drop dead after.

my resolution this year is to have fun. i'm not entirely sure that i even know what that means, because when i'm happy and giddy my friend is weirded out by it. am i that glum on a regular basis?

and i had a bad dream last night, strange circumstance, just off enough to freak you out, which is what dreams do. they excel at tweaking details to fuck with the mind.

anyway, i'm awake now, i needed my sweetie to tell me it was just an anxiety dream, and i'm out of it. friends will descend soon and my apt looks like a bomb hit. but i've just been managing and trying to build up stamina. it's not easy.

i had an early first packet, which i turned in last week and i've been reading, feeling kind of lost since then. it's strange. i have to isolate myself and focus on the school work and then when i turn in a paper, there is a strange calm. i guess that is why we all clean our respective houses or apartments post packet.

a lot of changes underway, as usual, i'm having lots of good conversations with the kids at work because i need to help people realize they are not trapped. they can move on in their lives. it took someone fiercely showing me that was the case for me to do something positive. and now, i wouldn't have it any other way. i'm grateful, still.

my cats, i have three now. i try to keep from calling them mine because the idea of having three cats is very, um, catlady. never pegged myself as that. but they needed me. and apparently, i need them.



whatever, we get what we need in this life, ultimately. i believe that.

so, i must get moving, chores need be done. i have the day off. a friend is en route. and these are the good times, remember that. i try to remind myself of that.

it will be well

how will it?

i don't know, it's a mystery.

wrest

what to say. it's hard, sometimes, encapsulating thoughts. ideas. into something that means something.

my feet are tired so i'm tired. but not necessarily sleepy.

i will soak them and then, hopefully, my cat geenie will climb on my chest where he's taken to sleeping, and we will rest. i stay still and quiet when someone or thing is sleeping on me, so that helps me pass out. one night i had a rumbly tumbly and geenie was disconcerted by that, and could not sleep. this cat makes me so aware of the different sounds and things going on in my home. i guess i'd forgotten to pay attention. or maybe i'm just too tired, that's probably it though i don't like to say it out loud.

i get to sleep in tomorrow. sure the cats will wake me at around four or five and want to get out (i de house trained them). three cats and a tiny apartment aren't a good mix. so unless there is some profound reason why they can't go out, they going out. amen.

their momma just sits and looks in the window, but she hisses at them, and i don't need three cats, i certainly don't need four. she's gorgeous though, those big green eyes and long black and grey hair.

cat talk. that's about all i'm good for at the moment. i will get geenie and we'll watch the dog whisperer. which i think is kind of amusing. when geenie first saw tv on my computer, she was mesmerized. we watch cesar from time to time, and she falls asleep.

my animals are all named for boys if they're girls and girls if they're boys. i guess my version of transgender pets. ha!

i'm tired. too tired to be doing this.

peace kids.

so much for that idea

i'm wide awake, working on my thesis. retyping all my poems since the formatting is strange and i need to make changes. the conversion from pc to mac has not been kind to my works. hopefully i'm improving them with the tweaks as we go. if not, i guess i'll hear about it.

there is a lot on my mind. i just keep trying to acknowledge it and release it, to settle into my skin and rest. but i'm still wide awake, no point laying there, so i'm up, but sometimes this is worse. at least if i'm still in bed i'm not getting into trouble.

we make our own fortunes in this life. i believe that.

choose who you want to be. be the author or your own story. sometimes i have to remind myself of this when i feel locked in to some nightmarish plot that i wish would just end.

i'm choosing joy to embrace happiness though. i've spent enough time on sadness.

so when i want to cry, i just feel that desire, and it goes away. so curious. that hasn't really happened before. seems before i would just lose myself in sadness. now i'm just restless and wide awake. i much prefer this to that, given the choice.

i was told by a dear friend,

you do not have the luxury of brokenness. you have a little girl that needs you to be whole.

that alone was priceless encouragement. i must function. i must move forward. i must find my way. and i will. i know i will. i want to help her find her way, as i have clambered through the brush alone (or feeling alone), i want to be there, present with her. to aid her, annoy her if need be, just so she knows, i'm beside her.

i want a companion,

i told a friend,

someone to laugh with and enjoy spending time with. for me, right now, that's my daughter.

and i'm glad to say that. she's my favorite person to be around and without her, it just doesn't work.

there was a time i could conceive of her living wherever she wanted, and i'm so relieved, so blessed that she wants to live with me now.

it weighed me down like a thousand stones in my shoes and i was trying to swim.

i'm just grateful she's alive and well and beside me.

until i sleep, i will be productive.

and when i think of you, it will be with gratitude.

icy roads make for dangerous driving

so we had margaritas, watched a couple movies, i've been working on my poems, and we'll hit the hay soon. but i'm still processing a lot of what is happening. i get advice from those closest to me that i'm in a good place, the right place. and this serves to confirm the peaceful feeling inside.

i do miss her though. it's to be expected. people don't just wander in and out of lives without impact.

but i will let her go. when she comes to mind, i bless her and wish her well on her journey. for here our roads diverge. i will miss her. i do miss her. but it's time. perhaps past time. i've overstayed my welcome in some respects, perhaps many.

setting out is always a mixed bag, there is something coming, new friends, new involvements, new endeavors, and those things will soon fill the place the old held dear. i won't linger here long, as i trust all that happens happens for a reason. and i do not love easily or cheaply, nor do i take it back. so with love, and in love, i wish her well.

for me, there is much to do.

sleep is next on the agenda.

sorting through

so i'm stowed away in my friend's bedroom, rifling through my poems. i have to lock myself up with my work to even face it sometimes because it is overwhelming in quantity. the task of sorting through this pile of about 123 poems for the best 65 is going to be tough. i'm not doing the same book i've done, so that helps narrow the scope somewhat. i have a rough idea of what is going to happen, but as with the rest of my life, i never know until i know.

i'm tired now, and ready for a nap. why does this always happen when i finally finish all the tasks, and get to the work at hand. although a short nap isn't out of the question as i did renumber all the pages and have everything ready for an initial read through. this is going to be a book about and for women. at least i believe that to be the case.

perhaps i'll curl up in that ball now and get back to this.
sleep sounds good.

zzzzzzz

skunks in snow

the plows are plowing, the skunks are stinking, a chill is in the air.

gratefully the cute little skunk, and he was cute, arched back and upright tail didn't take the shot as i stood in the doorway looking at him not comprehending inspite of telltale stripes, what he was. i was expecting to see cat. he was cat sized, not too big, but he hangs around here, must live in the area, because i smell him often. i don't mind, skunk is a stink i don't despise, though i'd rather not smell it.

i'm up early, the cat wanted out, obviously, and i'm settling in to the idea of a snow day for my girl, and work for me tonight. i'm back at it. which is nice, i need to get back into the swing. but i think i'm ready to move on. i feel myself disengaging and that is always a sure sign. i'll be pleasant enough while i'm there, but soon, i will hang up my green apron forever. amen.

i was back on the floor after two and a half months (not that we were counting, my boss said), of being away and she was impressed because even though i was slow and forgot little things, we still managed the rush (first one since the new year) together. i'm glad to be helpful and wanted back.

it's a strange thing to be away and know everyone is doing their best to just keep moving. it was not, is not, my responsibility and i'm just going to contribute what i can without taking on the world like i do.

you look happy,

she said.

thanks, i don't even feel like the same person.

much has changed. that last semester was b-r-u-t-a-l. i have never had to fight so hard for anything in all my life. i was not about to repeat or quit. i didn't have to. now i'm focused on enjoying this final semester and the end of my former life. i'm transitioning into my profession now. it's time.

i only did one job last year, but already have another lined up for this one. i'm ready for what will come.

he didn't take the shot. that's the best news of the day.

and i will be moving forward, trusting, it will be well.