Saturday, January 29, 2011


the whole deal for me right now is to get my stamina back up. i am strong. i am determined, but ten weeks with my foot up in the air took its toll on my stamina. i'm grateful for that time, i would not have been able to focus on my thesis had i not had it, but i am still getting tired. trying not to push it too far. though i had my boss ratchet down my hours significantly, you just can't go from no more than twenty minutes on my foot for ten weeks to eight hours standing and expect that to work out well. so now, baby shifts as much as possible. six hours, that is still a long time, but it's more manageable than eight. at least i don't feel like i'll drop dead after.

my resolution this year is to have fun. i'm not entirely sure that i even know what that means, because when i'm happy and giddy my friend is weirded out by it. am i that glum on a regular basis?

and i had a bad dream last night, strange circumstance, just off enough to freak you out, which is what dreams do. they excel at tweaking details to fuck with the mind.

anyway, i'm awake now, i needed my sweetie to tell me it was just an anxiety dream, and i'm out of it. friends will descend soon and my apt looks like a bomb hit. but i've just been managing and trying to build up stamina. it's not easy.

i had an early first packet, which i turned in last week and i've been reading, feeling kind of lost since then. it's strange. i have to isolate myself and focus on the school work and then when i turn in a paper, there is a strange calm. i guess that is why we all clean our respective houses or apartments post packet.

a lot of changes underway, as usual, i'm having lots of good conversations with the kids at work because i need to help people realize they are not trapped. they can move on in their lives. it took someone fiercely showing me that was the case for me to do something positive. and now, i wouldn't have it any other way. i'm grateful, still.

my cats, i have three now. i try to keep from calling them mine because the idea of having three cats is very, um, catlady. never pegged myself as that. but they needed me. and apparently, i need them.

whatever, we get what we need in this life, ultimately. i believe that.

so, i must get moving, chores need be done. i have the day off. a friend is en route. and these are the good times, remember that. i try to remind myself of that.

it will be well

how will it?

i don't know, it's a mystery.

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