Tuesday, January 18, 2011

so much for that idea

i'm wide awake, working on my thesis. retyping all my poems since the formatting is strange and i need to make changes. the conversion from pc to mac has not been kind to my works. hopefully i'm improving them with the tweaks as we go. if not, i guess i'll hear about it.

there is a lot on my mind. i just keep trying to acknowledge it and release it, to settle into my skin and rest. but i'm still wide awake, no point laying there, so i'm up, but sometimes this is worse. at least if i'm still in bed i'm not getting into trouble.

we make our own fortunes in this life. i believe that.

choose who you want to be. be the author or your own story. sometimes i have to remind myself of this when i feel locked in to some nightmarish plot that i wish would just end.

i'm choosing joy to embrace happiness though. i've spent enough time on sadness.

so when i want to cry, i just feel that desire, and it goes away. so curious. that hasn't really happened before. seems before i would just lose myself in sadness. now i'm just restless and wide awake. i much prefer this to that, given the choice.

i was told by a dear friend,
you do not have the luxury of brokenness. you have a little girl that needs you to be whole.

that alone was priceless encouragement. i must function. i must move forward. i must find my way. and i will. i know i will. i want to help her find her way, as i have clambered through the brush alone (or feeling alone), i want to be there, present with her. to aid her, annoy her if need be, just so she knows, i'm beside her.

i want a companion,
i told a friend,
someone to laugh with and enjoy spending time with. for me, right now, that's my daughter.
and i'm glad to say that. she's my favorite person to be around and without her, it just doesn't work.

there was a time i could conceive of her living wherever she wanted, and i'm so relieved, so blessed that she wants to live with me now.

it weighed me down like a thousand stones in my shoes and i was trying to swim.

i'm just grateful she's alive and well and beside me.

until i sleep, i will be productive.

and when i think of you, it will be with gratitude.

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