Sunday, March 06, 2011

curious bedfellows

i will admit something i don't say often, because there really is no point in saying it, but i will say it now, and move on. i have no idea what i'm doing. i'm making it up as i go. i find the flow and navigate from there, when i hit still water, i drift and spin in the still cool because the rapids took everything i've got to navigate. i'm in a still moment now. a deep dark cool that allows me to catch my breath and move into tomorrow with ease.

i missed seeing my tats, this has been a long cold winter, so yesterday the sun was out and i sat, tank top clad, in the sun, soaking up the rays. i closed my eyes and let everything, everyone i should say, i love go.

you are free, and you have always been free.

i have to remind myself that i, too, am free. trapped is the illusion, i believe this.

so, i stand at the precipice and wonder where the winds will carry me (to change metaphors). i do the best i know how and hear that resounding yes in my soul, the only yes i follow. i have to not let the fact that my companions dwindle in number then replenish, bother me because it has never been a numbers game. i want true companionship, not masses of noise.

that's one thing i noticed when i was on the train to the city, those with a traveling companion. i'm not sure i will ever have one besides my daughter, but she is the best company i could ask for. i have to remind myself that she, too, is free, and that i have to teach her how to let go.

she has my talent of slipping out without a goodbye and disappearing. we do this, i think it is our nature, to slip away and keep moving.

i want what matters, and i'm mired in the nonessential at the moment, though i have to work, i can't seem to shake free from the job that has become only burden to me. so i do my time, and hope i see the signs marking the exit. i need the first exit possible.

my favorite boss is gone now, she transferred out. i have been having these what are you going to do with your life conversations, and while they are very motivating, you don't know how many people i've helped leave my life, i miss them. and so, my comfort is gone. we keep in touch, sure, but there is something to being physically present to a person. to seeing their eyes and feeling their energy.

i don't really know how to describe it. i'm tired of the unknown, yet that is where i have chosen to live my life. sometimes i envy those people who are from somewhere. a woman in jury duty mentioned that she'd lived in her home her entire life. i can't even conceive of that concept. the longest i've lived in one home is seven years, in my entire life, seven years.

so, my task at the moment is to settle down. to let my roots sink in. to be here. to let these people, whomever they are, whomever they will be, know me. and to know them.

we do not choose our neighbors, nor those we love. but we can give them access.

i have to remember not to close the world out as i sometimes do when i get uncertain. but to press on, to move forward, to keep going because there is something just around the bend, a curious incident that will change my life for the better, and i can't wait to know what that is. i've been waiting so long.

let it come.

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