Friday, March 18, 2011

what do my dreams look like

i've been thinking about it for a very long time, since someone who loved me once asked me to think about it. i haven't forgotten. i'm finishing up my master's and setting out on my own, to a land of clover and honeybees.

i'm organizing my taxes and boy does that suck. but i'm better prepared than i thought i was. if i can get some of it back, great, if not, so be it. but i will try. i started my business this year and made a bit of money, i hope to increase that as the years go on to be my own boss and a name in the industry, if, for nothing else than the quality of my work.

my dreams, i want peace. that's all i've ever wanted. i'm closer to it now than ever. i can feel it brush against my skin and sometimes it stays and i revel in it.

i want certainty, but know this is not possible in this life, so i settle for this, the certainty that trapped is an illusion. there is always a way to move forward, sometimes it requires a season of bondage, a moment of captivity, but there is always freedom in the heart and soul. i have come to know this with every fibre of my being. freedom is a state of mind.

i want independence, and i have it.

i want companionship, and i have it when i want it, which is better than what i had before. i would still like to know there is someone abiding with me, beside me, through all my dark nights, and footlights, that someone is there for me. regardless. i don't know that yet. i look forward to knowing it someday.

i want my girl to be able to do whatever she wants. and for the most part, for what i can manage, she can. the things i cannot get for her, i cannot manage, i explain why and we work it out. life is not a short order situation, some things are worth waiting for. i think she gets this. though i am not so good with delayed gratification, i hope she is learning to live with it. to appreciate it. and sometimes, i think she does.

i want to laugh. loud and hard. till my sides ache. to be with those people who inspire me and delight me. mostly, i am. those are the people i love. but i want only those people around me. and sometimes that is a demand that is not looked up on favorably. there is something to be said for networking and playing nice, but i haven't time in my life for it. when i look around at all i've accomplished, i'm kind of stunned. i've the fewest hours i've ever had since i went back to work about five years ago. and i'm just finding time for things. how did i do it before? i don't know. momentum i guess. and the understanding of those i love.

i want to enjoy life. to love deeply. to live freely.

and so i shall.

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