Wednesday, March 30, 2011

in the news

i am hoping my articles come out sooner than later. i have written six of them so far. decided early on that i want to be the fair unbiased type of reporter, not a bloodletter. i'm trying to hear all the voices, not just the resounding ones. perhaps it helps that i'm not a part of that community per se. i'm removed and objective.

trying to land another gig with another paper. if i could get a few of these going, it would be something.

today i had a choice to make, initially i made the wrong one then my mind flooded with the reasons why that is wrong. the cost was potentially too great, unbearable, so i relented and it will take some doing to unmake this choice, some humble pie to eat, but i will eat it and smile.

again, i found a certain flood of peace come over me when i recanted and changed my decision irrevocably. i must correct the situation and move forward. all is right in my world.

i dreamt of a long lost friend last night. someone i haven't seen in my mind's eye for ages. i still couldn't reach him, but i saw him there as clearly as i am seeing these keys, this computer. he was present in my dreams, though much had changed.

sometimes i think, it is enough to know the love you give is never wasted. the love you splurge on others. the love you lavish on yourself, is an investment. though you may never see a tangible return, love given, love entrusted betters the world. i believe this. so now the task is to move forward unjaded.

naturally when one recoils from a loss, it is easier to scar over, to harden after a wound, but it is not for the best. sometimes that scarred flesh can be rehabilitated, the scarred soul can be restored. but sometimes, it gets locked into the downward spiral of hurt and anger. i don't want that anymore.

even when there is someone i love whom i can't be in relationship with, namely any number of members of my family. i love them no less, i simply can't be in relationship with them. bottom line. no judgment. i understand my limitations, and want them to not have to bend or break for me. i can move on. i can move forward. it is all good.

then, in that forward movement, joy comes. peace.

i'm planning a visit back to my homeland. the hardest part for me of being there is that i haven't been able to hold this line. to be who i am today in new york. i revert to type. i don't want to do that anymore. old patterns be damned, i'm evolving.

so i will go back to cali, and break new ground. break new bread. hug the ones i love so dearly but am so far from physically.

we can only do the best we can. i tell my daughter this all the time.

do i make right, selfless decisions always? hardly. i wish.

but one look at my daughter's face and it is all rendered in clarity. the choices we make will be borne out by our children. love them. love yourself. be good to one another.

i believe this.

2 comments:

Geen Grey said...

oOoooOooh good words love. Yes. I will believe it too. Can't wait to see you! Hope more writing gigs come through soon. You are an excellent writer. I love you!

siouxsiepoet said...

thanks love. sometimes the muse is kind. i am grateful it spoke to you. i love you! and the name is great.