more better

i just had the conversation with a friend, we talked about the things that are going on, she said,

i feel good things are coming.

yes,

i replied.

but maybe not the way i expect them.

which means, i have to release my expectations, yet again. this seems to be the story of my life. that i have something new, something i aspire to, something i dream about, and while i invest my time and energy in pursuit of that dream, not so much pursuit as much as observation. let me rephrase: i invest my time and energy in observation of the dreams that light up my heart. by observation i mean, it's like a bird watcher sits, binocs at the ready, waiting with delight and wonder to identify what will appear. and who knows what will appear. who can ever know. the birdwatcher has done the hard work of positioning herself where the odds are high that she will see something grand, costa rica, the sea shore, a mountain top, depending on what one chooses to observe.

bird every bird

is the mantra of those birders i have accompanied on eagle watches. we eagerly scan the trees and rivers, the skies and valleys in search of that which we have come to see. this, then, is no different.

i realized yesterday that i too believe good is coming. what i don't know is the manner in which it will appear. if i have my heart set on seeing it in one particular way, a job, a person, an acquisition, a certain amount in my checking account. if i expect any of these to reflect what i seek, i may miss the joy of the thing appearing from some place unexpected. thus, expecting not to only see eagles, we bird every bird. so the snowy white owl that was perched on a pier piling in piermont would have been missed if we hadn't been open to seeing other wonders. unexpected wonders.

true, i needed a guide, but i have many. and last night, as the tears welled up in my eyes, she whispered to me,

there is something better coming.

it didn't cut as deeply as it could, not realizing the dream in the way i wanted, now i must return again to trust. it is my safe haven. my source. i trust good things are on their way. will i recognize them when they arrive. only if i empty myself of expectation.