when she gone

something about when my kid goes away, not sure what it is. but i could best the devil in a duel at the moment. i'm trying just to breathe, to relax. did my dishes, that always has a centering zen effect on me. lit some candles, burning some incense. not sure what i need to do, maybe just write.

things are always complicated. moreso when you have a teenager who plans her own getaways with her friends and i refuse to get involved in the planning. my own worst enemy there, but at some point they have to learn how to navigate their own lives without mothers hen pecking circles around them.

we sat by the side of the road one evening as i was getting ready to see her off on a trip upstate and asked,

why am i letting you do this?

because you trust my judgment,

she replied.

right.

and i do. that is my comfort. my kid has always been solid. sometimes she gets flustered, i am part of the problem, but i've shown her mostly how to get around on trains and such by herself. last time we flew home from cali, i walked behind her and didn't help her at all. she had to ask for help from strangers like i wasn't there. she MUST learn how to get around on her own in this life.

but i sometimes would be more comfortable being there beside her. tucking her in at night. she is still my baby. she will always be my baby.

and in so many ways, she is so much better than i am, and was at her age. she is stronger, wiser, far more intelligent. i trust her more than myself sometimes, and she says,

i'm the responsible one here,

when we are deciding what to do.

it's not that i defer to her judgment, but she has proven, again and again to be wise beyond her years. so when i pull the mom card on her, she defers and when it goes awry as sometimes it does i remind her to make me listen. she has sound judgment. truly.

but she is still my baby.

i still miss her when she gone.

and tonight, i have to trust her to the goodness of the universe. to release her to spread her wings. and watch the horizon for her flight home.