suffering

it's such a classic theme. one with which i am intimately acquainted. it came to me the other day in conversation with a friend that the ideas we cling to, even the good ones, are the source of our suffering. this is no great revelation.

marriage.
security.
success.
relationship.

what idea do i have to let go of now. all of them. it's not easy. sometimes, i feel that old familiar pang and i have to remind myself, it's not what i want. to suffer in lieu of being present. because ultimately, nothing has changed. the only thing that causes me pain is that my idea, my ideals are not being met. i'm not able to withstand the burden of expectation.

when i reconcile this, the moment doesn't seem so bad. it feels perfect, actually. even though things are still not necessarily going the way i want, they are, in fact, going the way they must. i trust this.

so i ask myself again tonight, what do i really want, some unrealized idea, some fantasy, some dream, illusion. or do i want to trust and stay present in the moment.

i had another realization as i was navigating the city. there are obstacles everywhere. even en route to the city, before you get there, the way is fraught with peril.

or is it.

is not the pessimistic outlook the same as the optimistic in the sense that both are unrealized. there are always at least two roads. which will you choose. for me, i have moments when i see clearly the optimistic moment. the joy of being. the reality that i am calling into existence goodness when i choose the good road.

good has such moral connotations. i do not mean to imply that one way is necessarily good v bad. that is not what i'm saying at all. by the good road i mean, we can walk in trust and openness or not. the good road, for me, is the road of openness. delighting in the trials and tribulations the momentary confusions, the doubts and misgivings that life presents us all with. because i've come to understand it is all good. even the bad, and by bad i mean, that which thwarts my expectation. thwarted expectation is a good thing, it reminds me there is still work to be done. another mile or so to go. we've not yet arrived.