we are safe

i keep reciting this to myself, a mantra of sorts. while we have no power, no water, no heat, and no phone service,

we are safe.

this is all that matters.

so when the complexities of relationship and life begin to rear their heads, i try to focus on that one simple phrase, and breathe.

we are safe.

i meant to be very productive. i always mean to be productive, but i had a plan for this time indoors. i was going to organize my life and make things happen. i did that, to some degree, but then, i just got tired of doing it. and i stopped. maybe that was my mistake. my forward momentum halted, i languished. i drove around town a bit, finding some roads blocked. some clogged. and all of this, while out of touch with my loved ones.

i reached a few of them, on the west coast, but found the conversations did not serve to assuage my ever rising angst. so here i sit, trying to shake it off. trying to remember,

we are safe.

and breathe.

i don't want to be this woefully connected to and by technology that i cannot make it through a day or two without it. i like to think better of my mental health than that. i am the one who opted to dumb down my smartphone, aren't i. so as i drove the town like a junky looking for a dealer, i realized, i didn't sever the connection only the outward appearance of connection. that isn't, and hasn't ever been, good enough.

i'm not entirely sure how to go from here. where to go from here. what to make of this place. only this i know,

we are safe.

that must be enough.

same time this year

it seems we keep having this hurricane thing happening around halloween. meanwhile, my daughter is busily sewing the costume she may not be able to wear. such is life.

so much happens in a year, but there are still the same lines, the same concerns as last year. though i am hoping, with experience, we are better prepared. i don't have tv so i have no idea what the news is saying as i'm finding my web feeds unreliable at best, maybe i'm just looking in the wrong places, or not looking hard enough.

truth be told, last year i made sun tea and checked out movies. this year, i just made sun tea, didn't have time to get to the library for the movies. so i plan to pass the indoor time rearranging my summer/winter wardrobe.

today i worked at the deli and people were buying forty dollars worth of cupcakes to "weather the storm" and it just made me think how american we are. it is true, this is going to be a tough storm, but what can we really do. where can we go. just have to buckle down and ride it out. our water is already off, has been off since early this afternoon. who knows what will happen next, i'm hoping for the best.

i've been trying to force myself to stay awake as long as possible, but i'm really tired now, having worked all day and coming home and doing a (in hindsight) very wise, rush cleaning job. i couldn't have sandy visit without scrubbing my toilet, i mean, really!

truly though, i hope my loved ones, are safe. and that we fare this storm well. all of us. even those i don't know. i trust, in a pinch, we can band together. i trust it will be well.

november reading in east harlem

i'm participating in a reading in el barrio (east harlem), ny on 11/3 from 3-5pm, the reading will be held at la casa azul bookstore. should be a good time :D

touch down

after spending a weekend with my love, it's hard to get back to my life. to being satisfied with it. i know this is just a phase, that people get used to one another, that life continues and things get done, they have to. but i don't want to lose this. any of it. it's not so much the highs, the very high highs, the highest highs i've ever felt, but the touchdown after the highs. it's like that moment after thanksgiving feasting is over and there's just a pile of dirty dishes to be done. or the gifts have all been unwrapped, the friends departed and there's just a lot of clean up to do. the parties are wonderful. the gatherings, the joy. all, amazing. but the living must get done, too. i wish it didn't require losing that euphoric bliss. but then, we wouldn't be human. and they say, if there weren't lows, there wouldn't be highs. the highs would normalize and feel like that day after christmas. though the value of a cold turkey and dressing, with cranberry sauce sandwich is not to be underrated.

so i'm tucked into my bed, not with my love, but with my books. having cancelled my day with a friend, i will just do gentle yoga with sophie today, then tuck myself back in. i need a rest. i guess because i gave up my last week's respite, i had to forge one out of today. and while i don't mean to be doing work in bed, it's better than being at work. i like to have a plan for where i'm leading the students. today is a good day to focus on that. it is my pile of thanksgiving dishes, and must be done.

i cannot save you

you never asked me to, but i'm telling you now, i cannot save you. i cannot even throw you a lifeline, as i have none. i have always and only had this. myself to offer you. come as you are, stay as long as you'd like, and i trust it to be enough.

there are those people who call out the savior complex in me. those whom i want to rescue with all my heart and soul. but i cannot, i never could. only now i begin to understand it.

there was a time when all i wanted from life was to take care of you, but it was not welcome, not received, and i came to realize, not my job. so i accept that now. i come to you not bound, but as a friend. nothing to offer, in need of nothing, just willing to be with you, beside you, cheering you on.

i know you. you know me. that is the basis of friendship. i had not thought we had it, but i was wanting different things for us then, and now, i understand, this is enough. this is plenty. so be it.

i remember the last time i held you in my arms, i felt so strong. like a mighty oak. and you, my dear, quavered in my arms like a fragile leaf. i have never seen you that way. i do not see you that way. rise up and own your power. you are a strong, powerful woman. be who you are.

you have made it this far, swishing your tail and being your self. do not change that. you are lovely. i know i said things to the contrary once, but you have done me no wrong. i simply loosed my venom on you, and it was not right. i never meant to wound you that way. i am sorry. if i could retract the fangs, the venom, the moment, i would. but it is done. all i can do now, is trust that what needs to happen does. that there is some redemptive end to it all. there must be.

i have known you for a long time, dear soul. i will know you again. i will continue to know you. and in the meantime, you will find joy. you will find what you seek. you will find. i wish fulfillment for you, and all that you desire. but it was never my place to give you any of those things, and for that i'm sorry.

it gets confusing, sometimes, knowing what is required in a moment. what to give and what to hold back. i tried only to be open. to trust myself entirely to the moment. and i did.

what you have now, beloved, are sweet memories. bittersweet, but sweet. i hope in time they will bring you joy. comfort, even. but no more pain.

more baby, more

perhaps it's that the more time i spend with my love, the more time i want to spend with my love that is so comforting. perhaps it's how we laugh. perhaps it's how i realize i've wasted, used up all the sappy lines before now and it all has to be reinvented, for this one. from the ground up. i can't just quote a line or cite a sonnet, because it's all been done. all been said. this is a new place for me. i have not felt this good with someone ever before. and i am grateful.

so as my students lament their comings and goings, admitting they'd like to fastforward through now to see if

it was worth it.

i remember that feeling. being there. not knowing. that i can only reply,

oh yes, it is.

is more proof that this is new.

i have spent many days wanting that someone who could meet me, completely. to be entirely present to me. mind, body, soul. i have spent so many days grappling with the desire for a conscious loving partner versus the present partner, that i am stunned by the two being one at this point in my life. i had not foreseen this. nor could i ever.

so what's there to say when it's all good. every bit of it is scrumptious. what is there to say. how to describe it. i am listening and watching, holding my heart open that words may find their way to this place. i have such a keen ability to capture loss, and grief. so much experience with pain, that i wonder, what will it be like when i can capture joy this way. the sheer beauty, magnificence of life, of love. what will that be like.

mondays

i accidentally gave away my day off. before i knew what hit me, i was committing myself to a course of action that would deny me two yoga classes, not to mention the first one i have signed up for with sophie.

i am a woman of my word, if nothing else. so i will be there, but i do not understand why i did it. actually, i do. but i can't get into that here. it plays into the larger theme though, of how much am i really taking care of myself. how much do i prioritize myself. i had been told that the onset of migraines, in one such as me, is the result of not taking care of yourself. mind you, i don't buy every quack theory i hear. but when i see the correlation myself, it's hard to deny.

so saturday night as i lay in bed with an ice pack on my head, having given up my day of rest, i am reminded of this need to take care of myself. i'm not a lightweight, but why do i feel the need to prove it by working myself to a quivering mass of exhaustion. not entirely sure.

i keep wanting, trying, intending to change things. welcoming abundance. grateful for providence in my life. these seasons, ay, pathways i have navigated of late make me think i have come some distance. but perhaps i am, as i had dreamed recently, caught on the ascending staircase between two large hipped women whom i can neither pass nor see around. the way is blocked to me. on my own power, that is.

but i do make the journey, i do slog through in the end. marion woodman used to say when her analysands would ask her,

how am i doing,

she would reply,

i have no idea, i'm right there beside you in the thick of it.

if a seer, or guide, such as woodman has no idea, why would i.

so tomorrow, i will go with openness in my heart and trust there is some grander scheme playing out. that i am serving some purpose with my life, even when it doesn't make sense and i feel i've perhaps wronged myself by giving my word. i know in my heart, i can say no and often do. i trust, that when i blurt out a

yes,

it is for a reason. and a very good one, at that.

saba tour

the good new is, i keep surpassing my upper limit for happiness. the bad news, i keep sabotaging myself back down to my comfort zone. with a little practice, and a willing partner, i hope to eradicate this problem, and just enjoy being happy. i want happiness, that's what i've wanted for so long.

and i'm not the kind of person to say,

it's all scripted. this is how it goes down.

because i believe, we make our own reality here. we decide. but in those moments when i'm flinging mud and running scared, it doesn't feel like i'm that in control. i'm just reverting to type. let me just say, i'm tired of my type. i want to do things differently.

maybe, through practice, i can stop hiding. i understand now, what a problem it is. and i have finally made a commitment to not hide. that's a huge first step. so, then, quivering in my skin, i seem to be finding other ways of hiding in plain sight. so squirrely this frame of dust. so elusive and unwilling to cooperate. but, gracious soul that i love, i get second chances. and thirds. and fourths. i also give them.

how then to stop the old programming. how then to start really trusting another soul with what sometimes feels like my most fragile self. i'm made of tougher stuff than i feel when i'm scared. when i'm scared, i feel like spun glass, or spun sugar. dissolvable. very, intensely, fragile. i don't like that feeling. but closeness brings it out.

and when i've spent a marvelous weekend with my partner and we bicker after we've parted, it frightens me to think i would risk my love for something petty. there is no thing else i want at this moment than to be where i am now. staying in this place of peace, of happiness, of utter joy is harder than i've ever dreamed possible. i never thought i'd flee the good, only knew how to flee the bad. and even then, i didn't flee fast enough.

to stay, to stay, to stay, in the place of peace and joy. that is what i wish. that is all i desire.

upcoming reading in brooklyn

what now

after we have done all we can do for our children, we turn them loose on the world and hope they choose aright. i feel this so poignantly at the moment, it's coursing through my body, my blood. my hopes that this child will become.

she has thought i wanted her to become some thing. some one. but i want only for her to become herself. to be unencumbered. i have tried to navigate a path to freedom. i live as simply and as honestly as possible, my child beside me all the way.

has she seen things she probably need not see. of course. have i exposed her to too much, too soon. possibly. but she is a fine creature. she has always been solid. grounded. when her youth gets the best of us, we deal with it. my age gets the best of me sometimes, and she has to deal, as do i, with whatever messes we make. and so we shall.

i understand everyone parents differently. that we are not all fashioned by the same hand or mind, thankfully. and that is what creates such fine diversity among minds and hearts. that, truly, is what gives me hope. that even my stab at parenting is enough. i never asked for perfection or demanded it of myself parentally. i knew it was beyond me. i just wanted to be enough. just what she needs, when she needs it.

am i always there, no. am i ever late, absolutely. do i let her down, of course. i can't help it. but this child has learned how to give and take. sometimes she takes more than she gives, but i attribute that to youth. that she will make right choices when they matter. and when she does choose aright, i am delighted. because she chose it herself. it wasn't me cajoling her, or scolding her, or damning her into behaving, it was her being her. that's all i've ever wanted.

she has, undoubtedly, undeniably, had an unconventional childhood. i have tried to curb my parental antics and be the best i could be for her. but also, i demand the best of her. though in things pertaining to who she is, i give her free reign. always there to remind her that there are consequences, and to show her my life of consequences, the child knows. oh does she know, the costs of living the artist's life. she lives this life alongside me. and as we share the joys of creativity. the highs of inspiration. we must navigate the mundane, together. sometimes, we trip each other up. sometimes, we help each other up. but always, always, we do the best we can.

i do not know how it all works out. if my parental experimentation will result in goodness, but i trust that my heart knows what is to be done. and regularly does it. i trust that her heart is wise, and have many times seen it to be far wiser than mine. so i trust her, i trust with her. and together, we face what comes next.