saba tour

the good new is, i keep surpassing my upper limit for happiness. the bad news, i keep sabotaging myself back down to my comfort zone. with a little practice, and a willing partner, i hope to eradicate this problem, and just enjoy being happy. i want happiness, that's what i've wanted for so long.

and i'm not the kind of person to say,

it's all scripted. this is how it goes down.

because i believe, we make our own reality here. we decide. but in those moments when i'm flinging mud and running scared, it doesn't feel like i'm that in control. i'm just reverting to type. let me just say, i'm tired of my type. i want to do things differently.

maybe, through practice, i can stop hiding. i understand now, what a problem it is. and i have finally made a commitment to not hide. that's a huge first step. so, then, quivering in my skin, i seem to be finding other ways of hiding in plain sight. so squirrely this frame of dust. so elusive and unwilling to cooperate. but, gracious soul that i love, i get second chances. and thirds. and fourths. i also give them.

how then to stop the old programming. how then to start really trusting another soul with what sometimes feels like my most fragile self. i'm made of tougher stuff than i feel when i'm scared. when i'm scared, i feel like spun glass, or spun sugar. dissolvable. very, intensely, fragile. i don't like that feeling. but closeness brings it out.

and when i've spent a marvelous weekend with my partner and we bicker after we've parted, it frightens me to think i would risk my love for something petty. there is no thing else i want at this moment than to be where i am now. staying in this place of peace, of happiness, of utter joy is harder than i've ever dreamed possible. i never thought i'd flee the good, only knew how to flee the bad. and even then, i didn't flee fast enough.

to stay, to stay, to stay, in the place of peace and joy. that is what i wish. that is all i desire.