mondays

i accidentally gave away my day off. before i knew what hit me, i was committing myself to a course of action that would deny me two yoga classes, not to mention the first one i have signed up for with sophie.

i am a woman of my word, if nothing else. so i will be there, but i do not understand why i did it. actually, i do. but i can't get into that here. it plays into the larger theme though, of how much am i really taking care of myself. how much do i prioritize myself. i had been told that the onset of migraines, in one such as me, is the result of not taking care of yourself. mind you, i don't buy every quack theory i hear. but when i see the correlation myself, it's hard to deny.

so saturday night as i lay in bed with an ice pack on my head, having given up my day of rest, i am reminded of this need to take care of myself. i'm not a lightweight, but why do i feel the need to prove it by working myself to a quivering mass of exhaustion. not entirely sure.

i keep wanting, trying, intending to change things. welcoming abundance. grateful for providence in my life. these seasons, ay, pathways i have navigated of late make me think i have come some distance. but perhaps i am, as i had dreamed recently, caught on the ascending staircase between two large hipped women whom i can neither pass nor see around. the way is blocked to me. on my own power, that is.

but i do make the journey, i do slog through in the end. marion woodman used to say when her analysands would ask her,

how am i doing,

she would reply,

i have no idea, i'm right there beside you in the thick of it.

if a seer, or guide, such as woodman has no idea, why would i.

so tomorrow, i will go with openness in my heart and trust there is some grander scheme playing out. that i am serving some purpose with my life, even when it doesn't make sense and i feel i've perhaps wronged myself by giving my word. i know in my heart, i can say no and often do. i trust, that when i blurt out a

yes,

it is for a reason. and a very good one, at that.