be here now

i am reminded of many things i had learned, thought i'd incorporated into my life.

seems i've fallen into familiar patterns and modes of thinking.

i need to remember the lessons i've learned and not forsake them. hardwon they were. hardwon.

sometimes though, i forget there are reasons for what i do. even if those reasons are buried in my mind, and i cannot uncover them at will. there are experiences i've had that have led me to this place, where i am today.

trusting that center. that knowing. trusting who i am, is profoundly difficult right now. i guess because it's not in opposition to anyone. i am just me. free. unencumbered (save by myself). and that is something new for me.

i am trying to understand how it works, atonomy. freedom.

i am making a lot of choices now, i wouldn't have made for myself previously, because i am incoroporating some level of comfort, however scant, into my life. comfort used to be my first sacrifice, now, it is a consideration.

ease of mind. ease of body. ease of soul. while they are none all attained at once, i must look to the care of each. and by ease, i don't mean lamborgini or harvard. i mean, ease for my life. in the context of my life. not extravagance. i don't and have never needed excess, expense. but i also have never feared expending what i need for what i want. abundance means very different things to us all. for me, it's a new pair of converse and a leather jacket. for someone else, not so much.

we saw avatar in 3d at imax last night. last night of it showing there is tonight. my girl got woozy from the 3d, but i loved it. it was gorgeous, soulful, and worth it. so worth it. we stayed out till almost midnight, and i kept telling her,

you only turn thirteen once.

we had a blast.

that, for me, is extravagance. but she is worth it. every bit of it.

her life has so radically changed as a byproduct of my liberation. i try not to let this guilt me into action, but to give freely, generously as i see it would bless her. i am not easily manipulated. i am not easily fooled. she knows this. she doesn't try very hard, because it's pointless.

i have to work today, and i just want to see the divine in everyone i meet. to find it in myself again. to understand that even when we fail, even when we're scared, even when our liberation costs others, changes their lives, that we are still worth liberating. by our liberation others are also set free, i believe this.

and today i go and live it.

i trust. it is my nature.

i will do my best today, and know peace.

revision

so, i see. revision is just that. seeing something again. coming at it from a new angle. i like what i'm seeing. what is happening. i don't know that i'm getting there, but i am definately taking it further than before. fleshing it out. making it quiver on the page.

my prof said this,

these poems bear equal weight. like you're lighting candles on an altar.

that moves me. she wants me to do backflips and the splits, and i just want to capture a moment.

sometimes a flickering candle is enough.

but i understand what she is doing. she is pushing me, it is her job.

blowtorch, not candle. though, at least she has demonstrated and acknowledged the validity of the candle approach.

i'm grateful for this challenge. it is what i need right now.

my girl

turns thirteen today. what a milestone.

and i begin, in earnest, revising every poem i've written this semester so far. to prove that i can do it. not necessarily to improve them. hopefully, they will get better, but this work is merely for my program. and i understand that. it's a curious thing, letting someone see the flow of my work as it comes. those closest to me know what this means. they have seen it. it's curious to trust an advisor with that flow. i was asked about the strength of the work, and again, i return to the question are these supposed to be a semester window of writing or are they supposed to be our strongest works. because invariably these will not be the same works if they want strong poems to hack to bits. (which is what happens)

i'm not sure i went the right way, but i went the way i go, as i'm inclined to do. so i have made my own bed, as they say. (have i noted how i hate them. the things they say merely serve to annoy me)

with this bed, this chosen field of poems, i have set my course. anyone could have seen this, anyone would have known this would be the outcome.

my mind doesn't work like anyone else's apparently. because i do what i do by instinct. now, i must follow through. typically i move from stone to stone across the current, but now, my prof is requiring me, as she puts it, to reenter the stream and flesh out the works i've provided.

what did i expect, really?

and, perhaps this is the best way to learn, with things fresh on my plate, rather than works previously written (which i will submit this time around. stronger works in need of scrutiny).

all this to say, i need a featured reading soon.

all this glutting of my own works, my closed in focus on them, without a crowd, without the energy of a crowd is wearying. remedied as easily, i'm sure by merely attending an open, but i'd rather have the spotlight and show them what i can do.

i have just found erykah badu.

i was telling someone i love that

i want to be as powerful as her with my art.

you are.

she replied.

and it meant something to me. however, i want more than just moments of it. i want to live my life from that place. to create and sustain myself from that creation because it is regarded as something. that is what every artist wants, i believe. right now i'm working to pay the bills, but i would like to work in relation to my art, to find my way into my field. to hang a shingle there. and make my way in a field that matters to me.

i want to edit. to write. to read. to teach.

that is all i've ever really wanted to do.

so the journey begins again.

i have remembered me

i went to my best friend in pieces today. hemmoraging from the past couple weeks. she, for other reasons, but was in much the same state.

to sit across the table from someone you love, from someone who loves you, is a powerfully rejuvenating thing.

be yourself,

she said.

because she could see what was happening.

i don't like where this is going. be who you are. let yourself feel.

you see, i had, have, plugged up my emotion. i have heard so much of late that i'm too emotional, and while i replied,

it is who i am.

the comments kept coming. be more logical. stop indulging.

and so i did.

now i'm being told to have a good belly sob.

which i find kind of hilarious.

so, i met this haitian man today. he drove the rental car and me back to retrieve my car from the shop. i was relaying some of the information about my car, and he said a few things. to which i replied.

he paused, and said,

you could have driven that car back even if it wasn't working. the mind is a powerful thing. you have confidence that doesn't just come from nowhere.

his english was slightly broken, but he understood me completely. he had my name and number. i will likely never see him again.

but he was a father figure, stepping into my life and saying,

daughter, you are gifted beyond belief. believe it. continue to live it.

you see, i know i'm blessed. i know i'm favored.

even when the shit is coming down, i am safe.

this does not always elicit shouts of joy from those who are in my life. even on the periphery (mostly on the periphery, those folk i have to deal with, and who, admittedly, have to deal with me. poor bastards).

i understand there is more at stake than what i see, and that i have to stop psyching myself out when someone comes down heavy on me. i am more powerful than i give myself credit for. but today, it was reaffirmed again.

it took a complete stranger from another culture to empower me, to remind me of who i know i am. to get me.

one of the things said of me was that i'm

on a very short leash

at work.

these people think we're saving lives or curing cancer. but i'm on no one's leash. and i never will be. no man, no woman has power over me. they may be in a position of authority in my life, but that does not give them control over me or my future.

so the bullshit perceptions that have been dumped on me, i have been standing back saying,

fuck you all.

and, today, i was reminded why.

that which is mine will come to me. when i'm ready to move to a new job, the job will find me, as they have all in the past. before that time, there is something here for me to learn. at the moment i think it is not to psych myself out. to accept the blows and learn to roll with them. to let them glance off me, and to give myself over to goodness. even in the face of complete and total bullshit.

i trust.

it will all be well.

how will it?

i don't know, it's a mystery.

now walk away

in attempting to understand the events surrounding me now, i have come to the conclusion there is little i can do except what i have done before. keep moving forward. i will not let perceptions define me. they are not right. i am trying to live my life and will. i mean to enjoy it.

do i understand what's going on? no, but apparently that is not a prerequisite of life. much of the time, i think, we have to play catch up with momentum. at least that's what i've found.

it has made me realize that i live in another world in some ways. my perceptions are also my reality. and my reality is very good. getting better all the time.

there is a difference between believing a thing into truth and wishful thinking. what that distinction is, i cannot say. i'm not sure i don't spend too much time wishful, rather than intentional. it's something i have to consider.

time for me to resume exercises in silence. time for me to pick up some of what i've let fall to the wayside. time for me to walk away from what i cannot possibly understand and just keep moving toward my dreams.

spent a bit of time on the phone with the ex recently, and while it is not my favorite way to pass the time, i'm grateful he tries to help me troubleshoot.

my girl's new laptop got a wicked virus and we spent an hour on the phone trying to figure it out. but i was tired. so we let it go to try again another day.

the other night i came home and my girl was on the phone with her dad and they had worked it through together. i am so glad, i had no time for fixing that computer. and no patience for it. it was utterly beyond me.

i fixed it mom!

she announced as i stepped in the door.
.

wonderful. i'm so proud of you.

dad says i'm going to be really good with computers.

yes, love.

whatever she chooses, i want her to excel at. whatever she wants, i want her to enjoy. sometimes, it has to come from other sources. i'm grateful there is more out there supporting her than just me. even though, at times, it feels like it's only me.

there is a ladybug clamboring around my laptop. falling from the open screen with a delicate thud. they are very helpless in many ways. trapped indoors overwinter.

i hear they are lucky.

much to do, must away.

blown gaskets

well, the phrase suits me at the moment. i knew my car, my beloved pony was having issues. it's been faithful for over ten years now, pushing 213,000 miles. and finally, the gaskets are all shot to hell and the water pump leaking.

i rented a car i didn't really need, though, i'm glad to have the convenience of it. and why not? if my kid needed me, i need to be able to get to her. that's justification enough.

just off the phone with my advisor, who understands me. i'm grateful for it.

there is, apparently, a long list of grievances against me, that i had not even known existed. i'm so naive. when i learn of these things it is always with some awe. some surprise. and i have to not psyche myself out with the negative spiral that could ensue.

today i didn't. i'm glad. my head is no place to be sometimes.

i just thought i was doing better than i am, is all. perceptions cannot be gauged. though i did tell my new boss today,

i'm overly honest. probably my own worst enemy. if i do something stupid, you will hear about it from me.

i've never been one to cower behind lies. the truth has been brutal but loyal.

i can't keep track of lies. so i don't tell them. the truth is bone jarring enough for most people. if you really want to shock someone, tell them the truth. it is guaranteed to influence people, and not always in a good way.

so, my boss hears me out, and says,

we're going to get along just fine. you sound like me.

and i laughed.

i don't care about promotion anymore, i don't know that i ever really did. and i have a manager who is giving me a chance to be myself and show her what i'm made of. is it perfect, no. but perfection is not possible. nor is it required.

i'm doing the best i can. that's all i can say.

if that's not good enough, then it never will be. and parting ways is welcome. i am just feeling tired right now, and had a long cry with my mentor on the phone.

i'm sorry she had to hear it. that i had to clamor through all that emotion, but she was honest and sincere in her concern and appraisal of the situation.

so many wearisome thoughts, i will just go cry.

maybe tomorrow, laughter will light upon me for a while. i will be in the care of my best friend who lets me cry for a moment and then says,

come on, let's go do something.

she's not emotional at all.

it's strange how it works for us, but she balances me and my overmuchemotion doesn't bother her like her overmuchlogic doesn't bother me.

i don't even get overmuchlogic. how do you become that way?

surely, i will never know. too busy feeling.

hopefully i will grow. i need to change. to learn from these trials. i'm tired of the same lessons. i want to move forward. emotionally as well as in other ways.

remember to let go

there is so much. my professor said,

i have learned that we need to walk close to our personal fault line. where it feels like everything is going to cave in, family, job, friends, relationships. the tricky part, is navigating a safe way out.

i have found myself at the epicenter of my life. it's curious that such things surprise me, but the build up to this certainly did.

now what to do here, besides gape in the hole, the rift that is before me.

feel it. it's what i know to do. last night, i put my head in my hands and wept. i went over everything again in my mind, what i've done the past year plus now, and if i would do it again.

and i would. for all the damnable trials of this season, it is where i'm supposed to be. there were no fewer trials then, i merely had someone to punt to. that's the thing, having a spouse is comforting in that they are a body beside you.

unfortunately for me, it was nothing more.

my girl said to me this past weekend,

you just couldn't last.

meaning, i left her dad, now here we are.

i replied,

you know what it was like. no, i couldn't last.

i know she thinks her life would be easier somehow, more familiar, but would it? does having back the familiar routine mean it's easier?

i have to answer no. particularly if that routine teaches her that a marriage is a deadlock in pain and misery. i had forgotten how to laugh. why i was alive. who i am.

that is no way to spend a life.

certain, this, i know pain. i know joy. i know myself again.

and each day, i learn more.

today, i have to get my car to the shop and rent a car. not huge dilemmas by any means, but perplexing in the timing of it and i really don't have a ride if i need one. again, no one to punt to.

so while i realized, my being stranded on the side of the road is a bad thing, i bought a membership to AAA. i am contemplating my options today. i was going to drop my car at the carguy's but then realized i'd be stranded at home. how to get to work.

better, to be in town, able to hop on a bus and cut my walk to work down. or, better yet, able to be picked up by the car rental place. i hope they have a car.

until now, i've had such an easy time of it. i just do what i do. while i feel fear and concern, there was someone to call. not so much any longer.

i am trying to make peace with the fact that i have to handle everything now. i have been handling everything, just last night it felt like a tidal wave. that one more thing sucked me under and i could not find my way up.

give me chocolate!

i told my kid.

and the placebo did little for me, but it was a diversion, certainly.

there comes a time when we must grow up. i have reached that place. am living from that place. and, well, finding it rather daunting.

all my comforts of the past are gone. and i'm grateful i have my girl. but i want to teach her how to be healthy and strong. independent.

hopefully, i'm accomplishing that. must get ready, the car ordeal begins. and i trust it will be well.