my girl

turns thirteen today. what a milestone.

and i begin, in earnest, revising every poem i've written this semester so far. to prove that i can do it. not necessarily to improve them. hopefully, they will get better, but this work is merely for my program. and i understand that. it's a curious thing, letting someone see the flow of my work as it comes. those closest to me know what this means. they have seen it. it's curious to trust an advisor with that flow. i was asked about the strength of the work, and again, i return to the question are these supposed to be a semester window of writing or are they supposed to be our strongest works. because invariably these will not be the same works if they want strong poems to hack to bits. (which is what happens)

i'm not sure i went the right way, but i went the way i go, as i'm inclined to do. so i have made my own bed, as they say. (have i noted how i hate them. the things they say merely serve to annoy me)

with this bed, this chosen field of poems, i have set my course. anyone could have seen this, anyone would have known this would be the outcome.

my mind doesn't work like anyone else's apparently. because i do what i do by instinct. now, i must follow through. typically i move from stone to stone across the current, but now, my prof is requiring me, as she puts it, to reenter the stream and flesh out the works i've provided.

what did i expect, really?

and, perhaps this is the best way to learn, with things fresh on my plate, rather than works previously written (which i will submit this time around. stronger works in need of scrutiny).

all this to say, i need a featured reading soon.

all this glutting of my own works, my closed in focus on them, without a crowd, without the energy of a crowd is wearying. remedied as easily, i'm sure by merely attending an open, but i'd rather have the spotlight and show them what i can do.

i have just found erykah badu.

i was telling someone i love that

i want to be as powerful as her with my art.

you are.

she replied.

and it meant something to me. however, i want more than just moments of it. i want to live my life from that place. to create and sustain myself from that creation because it is regarded as something. that is what every artist wants, i believe. right now i'm working to pay the bills, but i would like to work in relation to my art, to find my way into my field. to hang a shingle there. and make my way in a field that matters to me.

i want to edit. to write. to read. to teach.

that is all i've ever really wanted to do.

so the journey begins again.